The University of Oxford board of regents voted unanimously Monday to accept the Big Ten’s invitation to join as a member in all sports. The move will likely make the Fighting Commas the Big Ten’s 15th member, and reportedly came as a surprise to many in the industry.
“Oxford brings a new dimension to the league,” Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany told reporters at a press conference outside Notre Dame stadium. “By which I mean we’re pretending that they deliver a media market for BTN. It’s pretty much our only fucking criteria at this point.”
Oxford chancellor Lord Patten of Barnes addressed reporters shortly after the news.
“The situation in Israel is obviously of significant concern to our staff and our students,” he said. “We are monitoring it closely and will bring study abroad students home only if we determine that their safety is end- OH BLOODY HELL YOU’RE HERE FOR THAT AMERICAN FOOTBALL RUBBISH?!”
Back in the nation that actually WON a certain little war in 1776, the move was met with some skepticism. Northwestern Athletic Director Jim Phillips pointed out that the University of Oxford actually does not have a football team and questioned how that would affect scheduling.
“Oh,” Delany said when asked about this. “Huh. Whatever, we’ll just give everyone a bye that week or something, IDC we got London bitchez!”
Penn State Athletic Director Tim Curley also responded to the news with surprise. Talking to reporters from his State College jail cell, he called the addition “the single worst thing that has happened to any Big Ten institution in the last two decades.”
“Also, they aren’t like, gonna kick us out now, right?” he asked imploringly. “This isn’t like an ‘add a team, drop a team’ deal is it?”
Big Ten sources confirmed that Oxford will not compete in the Legends or Leaders divisions, but that the conference will continue making up batshit stupid division names and put the Commas in the newly created “Blatant Money Grab” division along with Maryland and Rutgers.
“We think it’s important not to compromise the integrity of the competition between schools that actually have Big Ten programs, and those that we’re adding as symbols of our eminent domain,” Delaney said before punching the Leprechaun mascot repeatedly in the liver.
SEC Commissioner Mike Slive was seen popping bottles of champagne, pouring vodka on his face and running around naked in what aides described as “a celebration that has nothing to do with this at all shut up.”