Betting Pool: Which Freshmen Will Freeze to Death This Winter
With fall quarter drawing to an end and the last of the autumn leaves slowly drifting towards the earth, there’s only one thing on all of our minds: who’s gonna freeze to death this winter? This may come as a surprise to some of you, but it doesn’t take a Nobel Prize-winning chemist or whatever to know that the Chicago winter is about to take a grand ol’ shit on us. Luckily, if you’re not a freshman, you’re safe - you’ve been through this before! Alas, the same cannot be said for all you freshies. Most of you will prevail, but, due to ungodly wind chill, some of you will not be as lucky. So, should we urge these poor, unlucky freshmen to change their ways . . . or single them out and place bets on their chances of survival? Well, let me put it this way: the form is below, start handicapping. P.S. - if you see yourself on the list below, I suggest you start putting your affairs in order.
Actors who live in Elder and engineers who live in Allison. First of all, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?! You knew this day was coming; did you not read North By’s Housing Guide? Well, it may not seem that bad now, but eventually those long, cold, lonely midnight walks down Sheridan Road are gonna take their toll, and it ain’t gonna be pretty. And by “it”, I mean your frostbitten face.
Odds of Freezing: 50-1
Freshmen who claim they’re from “The Bay.” Chances are you’re not actually from the San Francisco Bay Area, probably just some NorCal shithole like Sacramento. But even if you are from The Bay, your floral top, “hella” cuffed jeans, and “fresh” Chucks ain’t gonna cut it when winter comes a-knockin’.
Odds of Freezing: 25-1
That couple that just LOVES to take romantic walks on the Lakefill. You guys probably met during Wildcat Welcome, hooked up a few times, and now won’t stop Instagramming yourselves together on the lakeshore rocks. Well, in case you didn’t know, the winter wind coming off Lake Michigan will LITERALLY FUCK YOU IN THE ASS. On top of that, no one will be able to hear your screams as you painfully metamorphosize into a human popsicle. No one.
Odds of Freezing: 10-1
Anyone who says “Winter Is Coming.” You’re dead. All of you. That Game of Thrones line is overused and outdated. And guess what? You’re not original; you’re not even being clever; you’re just an asshole, and you deserve to get finger-blasted by Madam Polar Vortex herself.
Odds of Freezing: 7-1
That kid who busted out his $900 Canada Goose parka on the first sub-40 degree day. You little shit. You think it’s cold now? Ohhhhh you just wait, buddy. Just fuckin’ wait.
Odds of Freezing: 3-1
And finally, any freshman who voted for Trump. You brought this upon yourself. I know I can’t do anything about Donald Trump winning the election, but Mother Nature sure can. Consider it just another form of natural selection. What goes around comes around, motherfuckers. Just remember: revenge is a dish best served . . . cold . . . as balls.
Odds of Freezing: 1-1, sucker