B1G Tournament Preview - 'Cats Profile
COACH: Chris “Razzle Dazzle” Collins
MASCOT: Willie the Wildcat
MOTTO: Quaecumquae Sunt Dererk Pardon
NOTABLE ALUMS: All of them
#4 VIC LAW:
B1G Ten all-conference defensive player; can and will dunk on the Pentagon this weekend in DC once they seal the victory in their championship game. Crazy afraid of snakes. Is part crane.
#31 BRYANT MCINTOSH:
Lovingly referred to as “BMac,” “Big Mac,” “the second coming,” “my new pagan god,” “the reason I wake up in the morning.”
#20 SCOTTIE LINDSEY:
One of the true heroes of this season. B1G player of the week winner and mononucleosis recipient. Some people say he got it from a hot make out sesh, but we go to Northwestern, so let’s be realistic, it was probably from a water fountain.
#5 - DERERK PARDON:
The only college sophomore with braces and sideburns who will have throngs of young children named after him by the time he turns 30.
#34 SANJAY LUMPKIN:
Graduating senior, anchor of the Wildcats defense, 10/10 facial hair, isn't afraid to cry, likes long walks on the beach: he's the whole package.
#44 GAVIN SKELLY:
Just pitching nicknames here: Skeletor, Gavin Skellington, Skellz and Cheese, Samson, the Gavel, Sherman Gav, Carrots and Skellery, Mad Wicked Skells, Skelby Mustang, Kenan and Skel, the Skell-Tale Heart
#32 NATHAN TAPHORN:
More like SMASH-HORN (dude can dunk). 3 pointer specialist, graduating senior, thrower of The Pass.
From a design standpoint, his body cannot make less sense. He's like an upside down trapezoid--but a trapezoid that is very good at basketball.
Fast as all hell, peppered into the line up sporadically. Has an air of mystery about him--most intel leads the investigative team here @ Sherman Ave to believe he's deep undercover working for the CIA, trying to expose the drug ring Willie the Wildcat is rumored to have run out of Welsh Ryan for years now.
#25 BARRET BENSON:
Super efficient in the paint, usually sees most minutes when Dererk’s off the court. Definitely would be the coolest Wildcat to hang out with (close second to Isaiah Brown). Good at basketball. Has 17 toes!!
#12 ISIAH BROWN:
Also lightning fast, freshman getting experience this year. While living in Alaska, got big break on the reality show “so you think you can fight a moose?”
#10 CHARLIE “ARCHDUKE OF DUNKSVILLE” HALL:
Son of Julia Louis Dreyfus, and father of Tino Malnati.
#21 TINO MALNATI:
7 year old basketball prodigy.
OUT FOR SEASON:
#35 AARON FALZON:
Out with injury, expected to come back better than ever, and with a trademark for his new product, “Falzon Calzonez” (as seen on Shark Tank).
#14 RAPOLAS IVANAUSKAS:
4 star recruit, best-dressed candidate, 11 feet tall, real-life handsome prince.
Imagine Alan Twitty from Even Stevens, but if he got hot as all hell.
FIRST ROUND PREDICTIONS:
The Wildcats take on Rutgers in Washington DC’s Verizon Center.
Within the first three minutes, the ‘Cats will take a commanding 72-4 lead, and maintain that lead, despite Rutgers’ best efforts to try to use lasers, then magnets, then hypnotism to try to distract the unflappable ‘Cats. The hypnotism and black magic, however, will awaken the Lincoln Memorial, which will arrive just in time to team up with Scottie Lindsey for an alley oop to close out the second half
Final score: 836 - 5 ‘Cats