B1G Men's Basketball Tournament Preview - Day 1
No. 12 Nebraska v. No. 13 Penn State
SCHOOL: University of Nebraska
LOCATION: Lincoln, NE
COACH: Tim “Corn Cobbin” Miles (the corncob heartthrob?)
MASCOT: Corn Husker
MOTTO: ”Dedicated to Letters and All the Farts”
NOTABLE ALUMS: Warren Buffett, no one else
About UNL: They produce a public access show about farming called “Backyard Farmer.”
About the team: They produce a basketball team that is even more disappointing than anyone’s first visit to the state of Nebraska. The Corn Huskers (still TBD what the hell a corn husker is) have fallen twice to our sweet, sweet Northwestern Wildcats. Both meetings ended in brutal embarrassment: one, in Lincoln, where Tino Malnati leapt over all 5 players to seal a 107-4 victory with a slam dunk that not only broke the backboard, but also the spirits of their team, who announced their resignation from the sport of basketball shortly thereafter. The second meeting, after the Huskers were coaxed out of their early retirement, took place at the Cats’ very own Welsh-Ryan, where the Huskers were only able to muster a single basket before all getting mono from Scottie Lindsey’s mere presence, which fortunately saved them from the ass-whooping of a lifetime, as they surrendered within the first three minutes on the court.
SCHOOL: Pennsylvania State University
LOCATION: State College, PA
COACH: Pat “there’s no way I can be this school’s worst coach in the modern era” Chambers
MASCOT: Shittany Lion
MOTTO ”We’re the other Penn”
NOTABLE ALUMS: Jennifer Aniston's dad, Rick Santorum, The Hulk
About Penn State: Their school logo looks like they sell antivirus software.
About the team: Penn State’s greatest basketball accomplishment is probably that a former center of theirs was in The Force Awakens as Chewbacca(‘s body double).
The inferior feline team fell to the Northwestern Wildcat team of titans mid-season, in a road matchup that had everyone saying: “oh, okay, I’ve heard of those schools.” Dererk Pardon shot 17 of 15, and wrote the entirety of a midterm paper in the first half, only to be outdone by Vic Law, who not only shot 10 consecutive 3s in the second half, but also saved and adopted a stray dog that wandered onto the court with 4 minutes to go. What a hero.
Final score: 300 points and the naming rights to all Penn State players’ future offspring - 8 points and several calls to their therapists
No. 11 Ohio State v. No. 14 Rutgers
SCHOOL: Rutgers University
LOCATION: Who-the-fuck-knows-or-cares, NJ
COACH: Steve “The Piccolo” Pikiell
MASCOT: An old Skittles wrapper
MOTTO: “Rutgers? More like BUTTgers amirite?!”
NOTABLE ALUMS: producer “Just Blaze,” one of the members of Cobra Starship, Ray Rice, Mario Batali
About the school: Rutgers was established on my birthday (must be why we’re both such huge disappointments!) Speaking of birth, Rutgers is often considered the birthplace of college football--but college football’s parents moved away when college football was super young, so like, college football is barely even from there.
About the team: Rutgers is not a good basketball team, and Northwestern has never had any close calls or even remotely concerning moments in games. We’ve never been within 5 points of the lowest-ranked school in the B1G, and we feel confident that if given the opportunity, we will not lose to the Scarlet Knights. We’ve beaten them comfortably twice, and we swear to god, we like, totally feel good about this lol.
SCHOOL: The Ohio State University
LOCATION: The Columbus Ohio
COACH: The Thad “The” Matta
RECORD: The 17-14
MASCOT: The Brutus the fucking Buckeye
MOTTO: “One of Ohio's Many State-Run Universities”
NOTABLE ALUMS: The Jeffrey Dahmer
About OSU: Buck the fuckeyes.
About the team: They aren’t great at basketball--or anything! Which has been confirmed by their performance against the untouchable Northwestern Wildcats. Playing in Columbus, the Wildcats broke the ankles (not like, just juked around, literally had their ankles broken--it was a truly gruesome occasion, and plaques commemorating the brutal suffering already hang in OSU’s trashcan of an arena) of their starting 5 within the first 4 minutes of the game. At that point, the Wildcats relentlessly dominated the court, leaving Columbus with a runaway victory. Also, they are terrible, I hate them, their mascot is an anthropomorphic buckeye nut, boo.
Final Score: 800-0 Penn State. The game was closer than the score would indicate.