Are You Sure You Wanna be a PA? The Pros and (Mostly) Cons
Northwestern glorifies their “PA” population, citing them as some of campus’s most spirited, talented, and good-looking students (if you think looks do not go into decisions, you’re living a lie… have you seen the Board?!!? And while we’re on this note, tour guides are also sexy af). However, there are some definite cons to being Northwestern’s shining stars. So before you sign your death warrant/golden ticket into PA fame, consider these downfalls:
- You cannot go out during welcome week.
- You cannot say welcome week… or the word dorm.
- Speaking of dorms, you have to help the freshmen move in. So while all of your friends are at home or enjoying their last week vacationing in Bora Bora probably picking up some hot foreign chick, you are making sure not to drop the rich kid’s flat screen.
- You have to wear the same shirt everyday for a week (while probably dealing with your puking freshmen and like do you wanna do laundry five times a week? No because you’d be using up lots of water which is bad for our planet so really being a PA means you hate earth).
- You have to have the sex talk with your PA babies as if you are a 42-year-old man/woman whose child is about to embark on a service trip to Amsterdam.
- The dance. Disclaimer: if the dance sounds fun to you, congrats you were born to be a PA #dubdublove
- You have to hold a sign above your head for like 3 hours. Are you even aware of the complications?!?!?!? “the shoulders, neck, and upper back would begin to ache, then really hurt, then be agonizing, (2) shrugging the shoulders a bit might help, but not for long, (3) the arms and hands would go numb no matter how hard he tried to keep them from going numb, (4) once he was allowed to put them down it would take a while to regain sensation, and (5) even after he could feel them, his arms would be weak for a while.”
- You have to quit alcohol/weed/insert other paraphernalia here cold turkey (for a week or two but still).
- You have to march through the arch again. But like this time you don’t have family looking for you so you kind of just walk through like an awkward turtle waving at other people’s parents and smiling for pictures even though the camera is only pointed at you because Samuel Epstein’s parents are trying to capture his transition to manhood but whoops you’re blocking him.
But ya know what guys, don’t let this sway you. There are definitely some pros to being a PA…
- You get a cool backpack.
HAPPY APPLICATION SEASON FROM BOOTYLICIOUS S. GRANT a.k.a. the would-be best PA