EVANSTON, Il — Northwestern’s premier student event production company has announced a new 2014 Fall event: A&O Productions Presents-- A Festive 2014 Anal Blowout. After thousands of students jovially mispronounced or misheard “A&O” as “Anal,” executive members on the A&O production team decided to bring students a gratifying show of anal blowing. “Everyone was saying ‘We want an anal blowout’ or ‘Give me anal or give me death.’ We take our jobs very seriously. After understanding what our peers wanted, we came to a conclusion: if students ask for anal, we need to give it to them. Well, we specifically on the board don’t have to necessarily give them the physical act of anal. Um,” trailed off Byron Casper, the A&O Production’s chairman, as he began to scratch his neck and sweat profusely.
The committees comprising the A&O team expressed tremendous excitement for the prospect of a true anal blowout experience at Northwestern. Further, they hope their sentiment toward A Festive 2014 Anal Blowout will trickle down into the student community to inspire excitement.
SESP Sophomore Gabriella D’Angelo openly expressed her enthusiasm on the A&O Facebook page. “Lupe Fiasco and Matt and Kim blew me to pieces. Group Love and Childish Gambino also had me blowing for joy. But an anal blowout? It’s never been done before. I’m freaking out!!”
Two minutes later, Facebook user Ashley YouDontKnowTheRealMe Banks, later identified as a Senior in the McCormick School of Engineering, followed up by commenting, “Oh, it’s been done before ;).” The comment received eleven “likes” from eleven boys at eleven different fraternities.
The released line-up for performers went online this week on the A&O website. Local band The Pink Sockerpunch will perform. Following the small-town band, a post-Disney Vanessa Hudgens will follow up with a rendition of songs from her new album, I High School Musican’t Anymore, including pop hits like I Gotta Do This to Compete with Miley and Zac Effmee. Former NSYNC member Lance Bass and heiress/musician Paris Hilton will play the main event as a joint show, which they described to A&O as “more of a physical experience than a musical one.”
Casper believes the line-up exhibits extreme promise for Northwestern’s first ever anal blowout. According to him, A Festive 2014 Anal Blowout will be “The best anal ever. Not anal. Fuck, I meant anal blowout. Please don’t include the first part of what I said. I just got a girlfriend.”