An Open Letter to the Twenty-Something Companies I Applied to for a Summer Internship
Dear HR department of [Insert Company Name here], I’m getting a little concerned here. I’m hearing people talk about their summer plans and where they are working and what they are doing and I haven’t heard from you in awhile or actually at all.
I’m starting to think that you don’t want me to work for you.
Did you see on my resume that I am proficient in Microsoft Word, PowerPoint, and Excel? And that I speak Spanish conversationally? And notice my great above the minimum you asked for GPA? I definitely think lifeguarding for that one summer after high school counts as relevant work experience. I mean, you could at least offer me an interview. I swear I come across even better in person. Just don’t ask me about a time I had to make a difficult decision that people disagreed with or what I ultimately want to do with my life or really anything having to do with decision making.
I admit I could have come across stronger. I probably should have attached a cover letter or even just a letter of recommendation and made it seem like I spent more than five minutes on your application but at the same time, did you really want to read any more than you had to? I was just saving you time and you know what they say, time is money. See, I don’t even work for you and I was already being proactive and saving your company money. Now imagine what I could do for you if I actually worked for you. Imagine all the things I could bring to the table.
You don’t even have to pay me very much. But please pay me something. I don’t want to work for free. I mean, a girl has got to eat and pay rent and maybe buy drugs. Just kidding about that last part. I don’t do drugs. By the way, speaking of drugs, do you drug test per company policy? If so, is it a hair follicle or a urine test? Not that it matters or anything since I definitely don’t do drugs but just wondering. You know, for a friend.
Please get back to me so I don’t have to spend another summer getting fired from being a nanny. You have my number. And my email. Please hire me.
Susan the Sexy-In-the-Right-Lighting Ghost