An Open Letter from Evanston to NU Students on Dillo Day
As you’re no doubt aware, and we know you’re no doubt aware because you’ve been counting down every frickin’ minute since last June, Northwestern’s Mayfest is at the end of this week. Dildo day or whatever the eff. Haha Dildo. See what I did there? Said a dirty word. High five, Carl.
Now I know that you think this is the one day of the year where there’s an understanding between us and… you people… regarding the consumption of the devil’s water and the shouting of the word ‘blowjob.’ Like somehow we’ll be ok with you crossing Sheridan Road into out territory.
We’ve killed people for less.
I once shot a freshman trying to get to his class in Parkes cause the poopyhead forgot SHERIDAN CURVES TO THE LEFT BY THE ARCH. BANG. Doubt he did well in 9 AM Spanish.
Stay on your side of the gosh-darn line.
So in preparation for what amounts to a declaration of war on our way of life, we have outfitted every child aged 6 and up with a semi-automatic rifle for self-defense purposes. Just in case they should come within 200-feet of a student with the smell of alcohol on their breath. Those 5 and under will be walking around with breathalyzer tests disguised as marijuana pipes. Get FUCKED, bitches.
Excuse my foul language; I got a little excited about the idea of defending Frances Willard’s name and glory.
What we’re getting at is this: We don’t understand why you can’t just have all your Dildo Day fun in your dorms. Consume the sinner’s liquid if you must--we’ve given up hope that we can save any of you--but do it quietly. Maybe curl up with a nice book about the women’s suffrage movement and stay up till 10:30. Heck, stay up till 11:00 if you wanna party!
And we’ve HEARD about the acts you’ve been booking. We’ve heard, and we REMEMBER when you said that the fucksaw would be the last time any live sex acts are performed on a stage at Northwestern. AND THEN YOU GO AND BOOK DANNY BROWN ARE YOU FLIPPIN KIDDIN ME, GOLLY-GEE WILLICKERS.
YOU BOOKED THE ONLY MAN YOU LITERALLY COULD HAVE FOUND THAT ALSO PERFORMED LIVE SEX ACTS ON A STAGE. WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION YOU HORNY, SEX-DERPRIVED NERDS.
So I know that you thought maybe we would be taking a “chill-pill,” or whatever you people call it these days, on Saturday BUT WE’RE NOT. We’re not, and we’re on to you. Like that old, creepy lady in Monster’s Inc: Always watching. Allllwwwaaaaayyyyyyssssssss watching you.
Have a nice day!
Yours truly, forever and always, Evanston