American History’s Biggest Party Fouls
The Boston Tea Party DUDE. I get it. You want to be your own country. Dumping tea into the harbor? NOT OKAY. It took two entire months to get that tea to the colonies, and you are just going to give that shit to the fishes? Not to mention, there’s a name for dressing up like Native Americans. It’s called cultural appropriation, and it’s bad. You’re better than that, man.
Aaron Burr’s Killing of Alexander Hamilton in a Duel
Aaron, you don’t have to like everyone. I get it. It is hard to sit still when that self-righteous prick waltzes through the door and insists on a national bank. I can even excuse your murdering him in cold blood in a duel. I will not excuse your having murdered him in Weehawken, New Jersey. Let a man leave this world with a shred of dignity. You wanna kill someone? Don’t do it in Jersey. Come on.
You’re always like this when you’re drunk! You think you can go around and start claiming things, but you can’t. Do you think everyone else is sitting and waiting to be overtaken by the mighty power of your red, white, and blue ego? You think God gives a flying fuck which nation possesses the North American West? Get over yourself. You are making a mess and it is not cute.
The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln
I can’t even look at you right now. John, you weren’t even in the cast of Our American Cousin. There was a team of talented, hard-working actors trying to tell a story, and you just jumped your ass on stage from the audience and killed the president of the United States. No one likes an attention whore, John. Get it together.
The Smoot—Hawley Tariff Act
Listen up, bro. Your people are crippling under the complete collapse of the stock bubble. They need you, man! And what do you give them? A record-setting increase in tariffs. You realize this will make foreign goods more expensive, right? Do you think it’s fucking opposite day? Don’t hold your breath waiting for your invite to the next financial catastrophe.
The Government Shutdown of 2013
Be honest with me, is everything okay? Did your girlfriend break-up with you? You’ve been acting weird since the 2012 elections, but now I’m nervous something might be seriously wrong. Here’s the thing, when things don’t go your way, count to ten, take a breath. Don’t shut down the entire government. You fucked this up big time.