Al Roker Sharting: The Worst Thing to Ever Happen in the White House?
Unless you have been too busy starting a new quarter and everything (oh wait that’s like all of you), you have probably been made aware in the past day that Today Show weatherman/human Labrador retriever after a Freaky Friday-type accident Al Roker came clean about the time he sullied himself in 2002. Yes, that’s right, Mr. Roker SHARTED HIMSELF, and not just because he went on a coke binge with Matt Lauer. Said shart was, in fact, in THE WHITE HOUSE.
This admission, mind you, was completely unsolicited, and it got me wondering if it is now the vilest event to ever occur in the White House. To uncover the truth, I went back through American history to compare it with other acts of heinousness that went down at the executive mansion. Let’s see who comes out on top!
Al Roker vs. The Teapot Dome Scandal
For those of you who skipped this chapter of AP US History, the Teapot Dome scandal was an intrigue-filled event involving the Warren G. Harding administration, oil barons, the corrupt leasing of land, and inappropriate money transactions. Combining the thrill of land leasing with the zest of money transactions, the scandal was the steamiest, most explosive story to come out of the White House in 1923. Ninety years later, though, Al Roker found himself at the center of an even more steamy and explosive situation, one that lends itself much easier to snarky quips on the open mic night of Twitter than a thick plot of backroom corruption. Advantage: Roker
Al Roker vs. Watergate
The Watergate scandal of the 1970s featured U.S. President/Emperor Palpatine without Sith powers/Ross Packingham doppelganger Richard Milhous Nixon building a crime ring from the Oval Office, covering up said criminal activities, and then resigning in disgrace. The scandal caused an entire generation of Americans to fall into extreme disillusionment with their leaders, leaving the nation confused and adrift. So adrift, in fact, that forty years later, one can Google “Al Roker shart” and receive 22,500 results on the subject. And yes, I realize that this article will make it 22,501 results, and that I am part of the problem. But I’M NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE! The point is, even posing for pics with Elvis couldn’t make up for Mr. Nixon sharting on an entire nation, as opposed to Mr. Roker’s more modest self-shart. Advantage: Watergate
Often forgotten in our culture of paying homage to the patron saint of B-list 50s movies, low taxes, and Cold Warrior-ing, President Ronald Reagan, is the big ole fiasco that was the Iran-Contra affair of the 1980s. The decade’s hottest scandal after “Who Shot J.R.” (ask your parents to explain that one), this quaint little story had EVERYTHING: illegal weapons sales to Iran in exchange for hostages, subsequent illegal giving of aforementioned money to right-wing militias called Contras in Central America, the destruction of classified documents, testimonies, questionable pardons, and a 75 year-old President whom no one really thought was guilty of anything because REAGAN IS AMERICA USA USA BALD EAGLES AND FOOTBALL AND GUNS AND FREEDOM USA USA. The lack of a juicy presidential resignation, not to mention the absence of even a single shart, thus leaves this story a little lacking. And yes, I could make a joke relating sharting to Reagan’s age and mental state but I won’t CUZ MY MOMMA TAUGHT ME BETTER THAN THAT. Advantage: Roker
The saga of President Bill Clinton and his intern/fellatio-giver, Monica Lewinsky, was a true tour de force of a media scandal in the late 1990s, simultaneously sucking up two years of nonstop coverage while actually affecting the lives of no one who wasn’t named “Hillary” or “Chelsea.” Slick Willie’s penchant for BJs, like many a president before him, ultimately led to a big, messy blue dress and a big, messy impeachment affair, which accomplished nothing but forcing me to listen to kids in my first-grade class call Clinton a liar without anyone actually being old enough to know what he had lied about. While infidelity is, of course, bad, bad, bad, the sensationalism was over the top, and at the end of the day, sharts are CLEARLY grosser than blowies. Advantage: Roker
In the grand scope of American history, then, Mr. Roker’s sharts best three out of the top four scandals to originate from the White House, which should leave it as the second worst thing to ever happen in this building; however, upon a few more seconds of actually thinking about Al Roker sharting in the White House and then coming clean about it a decade later for no apparent reason, there is no way that some Nixonian wiretapping can top that. So congratulations, Mr. Roker, and best of luck on keeping that bladder in check in the new year!