Admission Office Confirms That Early Decision Acceptances Include Cyborgs
Times are a’changing at Northwestern University. As Norris relishes its final days and the upperclassmen wonder why the new Wildcards look like they were made in Microsoft Word, the admissions office has taken a truly revolutionary step with the class of 2021. Next academic year, Northwestern’s very first student cyborgs will roam the school’s hallowed halls.
“Here at Northwestern, we have very high academic standards,” a representative from the admissions office explained. “The class of 2021 has provided us with the largest pool of applicants we have ever received, meaning that only the best of the best were chosen. It’s not our fault that no human child could ever physically live up to our grossly inflated expectations.”
Without having to take breaks to sleep and eat, the admissions office believes that the cyborg population will be able to stimulate the stagnant student involvement on campus. Academics are also expected to increase in difficulty due to the mechanical qualities of the new students’ brains. This way, Northwestern will be able to systematically weed out the weak humans, who will be unable to keep up with the accelerated pace of student life.
“Northwestern celebrates diversity!” The admissions representative exclaimed, while fervently denying any sort of quota or government subsidies. “We, as a university, aim to provide all types of students with equal opportunities, no matter their race, socioeconomic status, or the RAM capacity of their motherboard.”