A True Story: Justin Timberlake Impregnated Me With a Glance And It Changed My Life

The year was 2014. The year prior, you shook up the entire world by announcing your return to music. You graced our ears with the great-in-some-places, garbage-in-others experiment that was The 20/20 Experience. Sure, perhaps you idiotically refused to make any of the songs less than 4:30 long, but some would interpret that as a bold move. I sure did, Justin.

You came to Chicago for The 20/20 Experience World Tour. I tattooed the date on my wrist to remember it: 2/16/14. Only two days after Valentine’s Day. The romance still lingered in the stale air of the United Center.

My mom drove me and two of my gal pals to the United Center. Christina thought your best song was “Mirrors”. Sally thought it was “SexyBack”. Basic bitches. Your best song is obviously “Señorita”.

The 100-level tickets were an early 17th birthday present. I wanted to be as close to you as possible, so we had picked seats just to the right of the stage. The clock struck 8:00 p.m. and the magic began.

You started with “Pusher-Love Girl”. I have no idea what the fuck that song is about but goddamn if my underwear wasn’t soaking wet.   was hot and itching in places I didn’t know it was possible to itch in. My boyfriend Tyler and I had only Frenched up until that point, but I thought about what you, a more experienced man, could do to me. Your liquid falsetto, chiseled jawline, and silky smooth movements. A surefire Rembrandt in the bedroom, a sexual artist.

It was during your song, “TKO”. You were pulling off a series of elaborate dance moves, twirling around the stage like a beautiful tornado of song. Suddenly, you stopped, whipped your head around, and looked straight into my eyes. I felt the chemistry in my body instantly change, as I was thrown back 3 rows by your invisible sex-force. My mother rushed me to the hospital and I had to get 20 stitches for forehead lacerations, but nothing could hurt the baby now growing inside of me.

Yes, it was hard to get people to believe me. Insisting that I was still a virgin while my parents watched my belly grow. Tyler leaving me because he thought I had been unfaithful. Being a high school junior-turning-senior and expecting a child. The bullying was relentless.

But through all of it, I thought of you, Justin. I watched you on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I could feel the baby kick when you laughed. Oh, that beautiful, warm chuckle. I knew that once Justin Jr. was born, I would find you and we would be together as a family.

Justin Jr. was born into this world on Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2014, at 4:53 p.m. And I swear, Justin, that when he came out, his cries sounded like the opening riff of “Cry Me a River”. Within a few weeks, Justin Jr. had already developed a vocal range of 3+ octaves and was practicing switching between head voice and chest voice every morning. And while most children start walking when they’re around 11 months old, Justin Jr. was already moonwalking by 9 months. For his 2nd birthday, he put on a 3-hour concert complete with pyrotechnics and a guest artist appearance (Soulja Boy, who is so desperate to stay relevant that he actually paid us to let him perform).

And while it hurt me to see you have a baby with that SLUT Jessica Biel, I know that Justin Jr. and I will accept little Silas Timberlake into the family when you and Jessica eventually divorce and we get married. I’m already planning our honeymoon in Mar-A-Lago.

When I heard that you would be in Chicago again for the Man of the Woods Tour, I was ecstatic. Sure, the album was a heaping pile of dogshit that made you seem like an out-of-touch washed up has-been, but I forgive you for it and still love you.  

I bought tickets for Justin Jr. and myself, and we’re going to be there March 28th. It’s at the United Center, the place where we met. Where your mystical gaze planted the seed that germinated into a triple-threat bundle of joy.  Justin Jr.’s so excited to see Daddy. He’s prepared a short play to express his feelings. I hear Soulja Boy might be performing in that, too.

We can’t wait to see you, Justin. I’m bringing scissors but it would be great if you could just snip off a bit of your hair in advance so that I could get Justin Jr. DNA tested. It’d be a shame if after all these years he wasn’t actually your kid hahahaHAHAHAHAAHA.

You’ve got me LoveStoned, Justin. Yours forever.