A Song of Smirnoff Ice and Fireball: A Look Back at George R.R. Martin's College Years
The morning dawned clear and cold as Young George R.R. Martin arrived at Northwestern University. He surveyed the campus’s impressive limestone buildings and dazzling lakefront view, and frowned with disappointment as he stood within his Peer Advisor group.
“What’s the matter, Young George?” Young George’s Peer Advisor Jeffrey asked.
“Well… this is college, so where’s all the sex?” Young George asked. “I’ve been here for over ten minutes and have yet to see a single tit.”
“Whoa, calm down there! There’s a lot more to any adventure than sex, Young George. Like what about getting to know your classmates and forging lasting relationships?” Jeffrey the PA gestured to the several thousand of Young George’s classmates who similarly stood gathered with their PA groups.
“So I should get to know all 2,145 of these people and fit them into my college experience?” said Young George.
“Well, you could do that,” Jeffrey the PA conceded. “Or why don’t you just have, like, five friends? You could get to know them really well, develop complex characters—“
“Just five? But what happens when they all get killed off at NU Nights next week?” Jeffrey the PA hadn’t known about that plot point and was pretty pissed Young George carelessly forgot to issue a Spoiler Alert.
“Yes,” Young George declared, “All 2,223 of these people will play a vital role.”
Young George’s roommate James sat on his bed skyping while Young George pressed his ears against the dorm room walls.
“Uh, what are you doing?” James asked, looking up from the screen.
“Shhh! I’m listening for sex noises! Girl-on-guy, guy-on-guy, girl-on-guy-on-horse-on-fiery-she-demon.”
“Jesus! Can you tone it down? I’m talking to my sister, Young George.”
“Do you guys ever practice kissing?”
“What?? NO! That’s disgusting. And are you almost done with that roommate contract? It was due like two hours ago.”
Young George grumbled. “Yeah, yeah, I’m working on it.”
Later that evening, James returned with the alcohol he’d bought using his older brother’s ID for their pregame. Five of the 2,345 students from earlier in the day filled the room, while the remaining 2,340 likely would not be seen for several episodes. James handed out beverages.
“Okay, Young George, here’s the Smirnoff Ice and Fireball you wanted. Huh, that’s a weird combination. ” Young George greedily accepted his drinks and went back to his listening-for-sex-noises wall.
“So, uh, Young George,” James said expectantly. “Can you reimburse me?”
“Of course. A Lannister always repays his debts.”
“Yeah, whatever. You still owe me like $30 for the booze.” Young George reached into his pockets and produced several gold coins. James sighed, stuffed the coins in his pocket, and returned to his guests. James shared a hilarious anecdote about a cool party he attended in high school, and everyone laughed hysterically.
Young George glared at them. “Can guys keep it down? Someone in the next room might be cumming.”
“Dammit, Young George!” James burst. “No one’s cumming!” James instantly regretted his phrasing. Young George walked over to the window and solemnly declared, “winter is.”
The next morning, Young George and his Peer Group met for a special 8 a.m. meeting.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news,” Jeffrey the PA said.
“Of course you do,” Young George said. “That’s what people want. Everyone craves a delicious tragedy. Otherwise why would we keep coming back if you weren’t here to play with our emotions as carelessly as a Stark attends a wedding?”
“I’m going to ignore that. Anyways, it seems our former PA group member Aaron was sent to the hospital last night for alcohol poisoning and won’t be here anymore.”
“What? No! But Aaron was our favorite,” said literally everyone.
“Anyways,” continued Jeffrey the PA, “Aaron will be back tomorrow. But in the meantime, I think we should think of an appropriate punishment for Aaron to show that we don’t condone drinking during Welcome Week. Let’s open it up to the group for suggestions. “
“We could ban him from a Norris event,” one girl said.
“Or we could ask him to apologize,” another student suggested.
“Or we could strap him to a cross, torture him, and then cut off his manhood and stuff it in a box,” Young George chimed in.
The room went silent. “Um, I was thinking he could, like, attend an alcohol education seminar,” one of the 4,746 students whose name no one remembers said.
George shrugged. “Winter is coming.”
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