A Men's Guide for How to Best Work Out at Northwestern (by Zach Petersen, 7% Body Fat)

Odds are, you’re reading this right now because you’re a scrawny weakling who hasn’t even looked at a gym in years. You’re probably like 25% body fat, you wheeze heavily when walking up a flight of stairs, and you’ve never even had the satisfaction of looking in a mirror and flexing and saying “fuck yeah, that’s my body” to yourself.

Well I’m here to help. I’ve been working out ever since I got to Northwestern the fall of my freshman year. I was just like you. A fucking pussy. But now look at me. Four years later, and I’m huge. I love my body and I love myself, and that’s all I need. I’m gonna tell you how to get the body that will have people looking at you and saying “wow, that guy can probably get any girl he wants.”   Which I can.

1. Be sure to go to SPAC, and not Blomquist.

Rookie mistake is going to Blom, which doesn’t have the proper amount of free weights to really work any of your muscles in a complete way. “Oh, but Zach, SPAC is like a 20 minute walk from my dorm and blah blah blah.” Shut up. I lived in Willard my freshman year. I walked through the snow and ice in the winter and I got to SPAC and I fuckin' pushed it because if I didn’t I would have never changed and how would I have showed Kayla that she should be sorry for not texting me back if I didn't go to SPAC every day.

2. Wear the right clothes.

Working out is just as much about asserting your dominance over the other people in the gym as it is about getting fucking jacked. Wear a tank with the sides drastically cut out, so everyone can see your chest and nipples. Buy athletic shorts that are two sizes too small so that everyone can see the definition of your ass. And wear long socks. Trust me. You can’t fuckin' lift shit unless you’re wearing socks that cover most, if not all, of your calves. I usually end up ripping these socks because my calves are so fuckin' meaty that I’ll be doing toe raises and it’ll just happen. I can’t help it, you know? You hear that Kayla? Does Nathan have jacked calves? No he doesn’t.

3. Do Squats.

Squats work like every muscle in your lower body. Your quads, your hammies, your calves, your core, your glutes – if you don’t do squats, you’re not working out the right way. You may wanna start small, though. Maybe squat like 150 and see how that feels. I usually squat around 255 but that’s because I’m a big dude. A big dude with a great body. You know how much Nathan weighs? 135 at the most. I just don’t understand, Kayla, why you would choose someone who probably can’t even bench 150 to a guy whose abdominal muscles are so defined that last night at the sorority formal I was invited to by a girl more attractive than you Kayla someone actually took off their shirt and washed it on my abs.

4. Make a lot of grunting noises.

People aren’t gonna know how hard you’re pushing it, how much you’re reaching beyond your plateau, if you aren’t making that exertion audible. Exhale forcibly. Shout. Scream, even. Everyone in that fuckin' gym should know that you are the alpha male. You’re the best one there. You’re the best. And if you’re the best then Kayla should come back to you she will just give it some time that Nathan thing won’t last she’s just confused you just gotta keep working out and going to SPAC every day and if I do that she’ll see and then I can take her out to a nice dinner and pull her chair out for her at the table and tell her how pretty her hair looks in the dim lighting of the bistro and it’ll be a moment I remember forever and I just want a moment like that.

5. Properly Recover.

Immediately after your workout concludes, make sure you digest a whey-based protein shake supplement. Sometimes I dream about Kayla. We’ll be walking in the park and her hand is in mine and a man and his dog pass us and I wave. The man winks approvingly at us while his dog pants, his gait, the dog's, lazy and lackadaisical. You lay your head on my shoulder Kayla and we continue walking as the dew of the morning dissipates into the blustery heat of the afternoon. We sit on a bench overlooking a mossgreen pond. We feed the ducks scraps of day-old bread. It is silent except for the sound of your gentle breathing. The sky is a periwinkle blue and I close my eyes and am enveloped by the serenity of the rising sun, and suddenly I am above it all, floating through the sky, my hand in yours, above the smog of the city, so far away from it, and I can feel your energy flow through you and collide into me like ripples of a singing brook; alone, only you and I, you and I and the song of nature's sirens.

All you have to do is follow those steps, and you’ll be on your way to being huge and dominating in no time. Self-satisfaction with your body is hard, but ultimately it’s something that you have to work your fuckin' ass off for. And once you get there, it’s incredible how proud you’ll be of all your hard work. With an amazing body, you really don’t need anything else in life.