A Guide to Whole Foods Free Samples
Whole Foods and I have been seeing each other for years now. Sometimes I think Whole Foods is a little snobby. Sometimes I think Whole Foods doesn’t treat me like I belong. Sometimes Whole Foods makes me (and my wallet) feel empty inside. When I tell myself “I deserve better than this!” I run off to Jewel or Trader Joe’s where I know I’m always welcome. But my self-esteem convenience drives me back to that big ole brick on Chicago and Church time and time again. However, recently I’ve discovered how to take back my life and show Whole Foods I don’t need it as much as it needs me. And as God as my witness, I’ll never feel peckish again.
“How? HOW? How can I take advantage of Whole Foods and leave my wallet at homeeee?” you may ask. Well, stealing obviously. There’s always stealing. But if you’re not into committing crime blah blah blah, the solution is **Free Samples**
This past summer I’ve learned quite a lot about the sample selection. And all it took was visiting about 3 or 4 times a week, usually completely alone (fancy that!). So I’ve drawn out a preeeetty comprehensive map at my office to help out the rookies.
As you can clearly see, there is bountiful opportunity. But for those of you who may not be as spatially intelligent as myself, I’ll break it down for you.
First here are a few things you must know:
- Food is most likely gonna out at primetime: 11am-6pm
- Sunday is a game changer (samps on samps)
- Be cool
So with that in mind, let’s begin.
As you enter Whole Foods you are slapped in the face by “fresh” and “organic” produce because they don’t want you to forget where you are. However, Whole Foods isn’t stupid. They know if the goodies aren’t on display then mama’s sayin’ “no way.” So as a form of enticement, to the left of all this green garbage is carbs. There is always, ALWAYS bread and sometimes, SOMETIMES butter. On a good day there will be cookies or pie, so let’s hope you get lucky.
It is just bread, but it’s pretty consistent: 4/5
Fruit and Vegetables
With the exception of orange slices and maybe a few stray cherries occasionally, fruit and vegetable samples are pretty much just juice. In the back right corner of produce, you’ll see some pretty sizeable coolers full of various juices. Sometimes they taste like cold sewage, especially the veggie ones. But never fear, there’s always orange to cleanse that palate. If you stick around long enough without feeling awkward because someone is behind you, quietly waiting their turn, you can get a good 8 oz. in ya.
It’s ok, but the only drink option typically so: 3/5
If you like fish, that’s cool, but if you LOVE mayonnaise (and who don’t), then you’ve come to the right place. The fish cooler, which is down and to the left of the juice samples, usually displays some sort of fishy dip. So grab a cracker and dunk to your heart’s content into a smoked salmon salad! Just be careful, it’s usually a little hard so your cracker will most always break and then you’ll have to save the remnants with a new cracker and look like a fool in front of James, who works behind the counter.
I know I’m making it sound bad, but it’s actually pretty delicious: 2.71/5
Sorry vegetarians, but you’re missing out on something pretty incredible. Down the aisle from fish and shit, is meat, GLORIOUS MEAT! Seeing those silver hot plates out means it’s feeding time for this hungry hippo. Meat never disappoints. From sausage to spicy hamburger, the portions are pretty satisfactory and you make the meat men proud (which is good, because in my mind the butchers are the cool jocks of Whole Foods).
You know how I feel on this one: 5/5
We’ve come to the last stop on our tour d’samp today, and what a way to go out. My friends and I covet cheese especially, because it’s practically IN the wine section (which we frequent a lot).
The cheese selection is fantastic. Every. Goddamn. Time. However, nothing in this world is perfect. Cheese is a wily temptress. She is celebrated, flavorful, and yet often fickle. If cheese is on display, which you can’t always count on, then by the time you get there all you’ll probably find is a cold empty plate. It would appear as though daytime housewives snatch up all that Gouda before you get the chance. They must be in that section a lot or something. I wonder why…
That about sums it up: 4.5/5
So there you have it! The most consistent selection of free samples at Whole Foods, all for you to exploit! Of course there are always surprises, good and bad, but from my own personal experience, this is a pretty solid way to get your rocks off. So go sew your wild oats in those aisles. And if you feel bad, don’t. Because Whole Foods is so goddamn expensive.