A Few Slight Changes I Would Make to the Star Wars Episode VII Trailer
0:12-0:15: A musical stab. People’s hero Jar Jar Binks comes into frame. “Meesa back!” he cries.
0:15-0:30: in a whirlwind display of CGI brilliance, Jar Jar is immediately run over by a pod racer. The pod racer is crushed by an X-Wing. The X-Wing crushed by a star destroyer. The star destroyer crushed by a death star. Jar Jar pokes his head out the top of the death star. “Ooh, dassa was a close one!” he shouts! The crowd goes wild. Cue pre-recorded audience laughter.
0:30-0:41: A tracking shot of an intimidating figure in a long black cloak. This is MYSTERIOUS SITH LORD. He stalks forward, and the camera pans in as we see his hand reach into his cloak, and pull out a lightsaber hilt. He triggers it and…
0:41-0:46: a beautiful bouquet of flowers come out the end! Quick pan out to show us that the MYSTERIOUS SITH LORD is performing onstage at Radio City Music Hall, in the finals of America’s Got Talent! The crowd goes wild. MYSTERIOUS SITH LORD force chokes Howie Mandel to death.
0:46-0:51: The same shot of the X-Wings flying over water as in the trailer, because that shot was cool as fuck. Like, yeah, the whole movie could be that and I’d be pretty happy. Just one small change…
0:51-0:58: A quick pan on one of the X-Wings reveals that there is no pilot. The two other pilots share a kind of “who’s flying that thing?” expression, before the pilot leans up from where he was hiding. It’s people’s hero Jar Jar Binks! Cue pre-recorded audience laughter.
0:58-1:02: A pan onto a hooded jedi standing with a blue lightsaber. He turns, and pulls of his hood to reveal that it’s #1 Jedi Ki-Adi Mundi. A JJ Abrams classic lens flare shines brightly off his giant thumb head.
1:02-1:12: The screen splits into triple split screen. Then, we see a ten second time lapse of how much Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford have aged from the last Star Wars movie to the current one. “Don’t look away” intones Andy Serkis, repeatedly, underneath the footage.
1:12-1:22: The music fades out into a brief suggestion. A real, suspenseful moment. We see the first glimpse of our JEDI HERO. He is creeping through the confines of an imperial destroyer. Suddenly, he hears something. He runs to a door marked CONFINEMENT BAY N1. He opens it, and we pan in to see LUPITA NYONG’O viciously making out with People’s Hero Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar shrugs. “Oh oh little Annie!” He says. “Yousa snooza, yousa looza!” Cue massive pre-recorded audience laughter.
1:22-1:26: Under a big musical sting, all the images rush out, and we see a child wake up in his bed. Quick reveal that this entire trailer has been inside the head of HOME ALONE ERA MACAULAY CULKIN. It is three days before Christmas. He sniffs to himself, then sits up. He looks directly into the camera. “Keep the change, you filthy animals.” He snarls.
1:26-1:28: SMASH CUT TO TITLE: STAR WARS, EPISODE VII: HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK.