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A Drunken Analysis of Ohio State Game Tape

As part of #GetFuckedAnOhioStateUniversity week here at Sherman Ave, we sat down with a Friend Of The Ave who has worked for a Division I football team in the past and is a lifelong 'Cats fan, to go over OSU game tape from their win last week against Wisconsin. Drunkenly, obviously. 13:35 left in the first quarter [Wisconsin forced to punt]: That was a tough three and out for Wisconsin right there. Northwestern can’t start like that, we do much better when we start out well.

12:18: [Braxton Miller throws a rocket for a TD] OH GOD. Oh wow, that is a tough throw. Damn. You’re not supposed to throw across your body like that and he just gets it off like that. I’m scared right now. I’m scared. They pressured him, they made him make a tough throw and he made it.

2:47: [After a report on Braxton Miller’s knee brace and his sixth drink] I mayy be drunk at this point, but why is she reporting that? That’s not anything new. Everyone wears it! Literally all of NU's players. Everyone. It’s just. Yeah. She thinks she’s important for knowing that, but she’s not.

:52: [After OSU’s second TD]

As you can see here, guys moved on yellow lines and then they threw a touchdown to the big blob of yellow in the corner.

11:55 left in the second quarter [Drunkenly spills beer on his crotch and now it looks like he peed hahahah idiot but it’s ok cause pee pants are cool]

6:30: [After OSU first down]: That’s the problem with the 3-4, it’s good NU runs a 4-3. They have to have more linebackers commit there, whereas we can have the linebackers trust the D-line more. In that case the linebacker was stuck inside on the bubble screen, and he had to respect that. If we have a 4-3 we have four guys on the inside which gives us a little more leeway.

I actually like the 3-4 cause we ran a 3-5 in high school, but you can see what the weaknesses are in that defenses. The strengths are that you can blitz from any position, creating uncertainty, but the offense can take advantage of that uncertainty because the linebackers have to respect the run.

3:50: [Wisconsin star receiver Jared] Abbrederis already has 150 yards, that shows a weakness in their secondar- OHHHH HOLY SHIT!!! HE BEAT HIM!!! AHHH!!! HE CAUGHT IT!!! That’s a Tony Jones route!! Terrible throw, but he had him! That should be a touchdown!! If you have a decent quarterback throwing it, that’s a touchdown. LOOK HOW MUCH SPACE HE HAS IN FRONT OF HIM!! Northwestern has two quarterbacks better than 90% of the Big Ten, and that’s why we’re going to take advantage of that.  [In case it was unclear, Abbrederis caught a ball for a 25 yard gain, despite the QB underthrowing it, but was tackled at the 10.]

1:30: [Wisconsin throws for a touchdown on a slant route in the endzone] Touchdown. See, that’d be Christian Jones or Dan Vitale right there. Same thing. If you leave that open, he’s gonna run it all over you.

1:19: [Braxton Miller runs for a first down in a very unspectacular play] OH GOD, OH NO, OH GOD, OH NO. THAT’S BRAXTON MILLER. That’s what everyone thinks Kain Colter is like, but that’s Braxton who has like another 100 pounds on him. That’s exactly what Kain Colter looks like to every other opponent.

:16: [Ohio State with the ball, just before half] This is gonna be a touchdown right here. Just watch. Oh yep, he scrambles. Ohhhh, that’s what’s so scary! [Not a touchdown] NU can’t contain a QB like that. Even against Maine we couldn’t. No one’s as fast as him! No one’s as fast as him on the field. Ok, this is a touchdown right here. There’s gonna be man coverage across the board. Watch. Ohhhhh, no, yeah, next play. It’s a fourth down play. They definitely score. Watch.  This is it. Yep, here it is! AAAHHHHH [touchdown] I HATE IT. I HATE IT!!!! WHY DIDN’T THE SAFETY GET BACK?! NEVER LET SOMEONE GET DEEPER THAN YOU AS A SAFETY!! THAT’S RULE NUMBER ONE!! NEVER. FUCKING A.  Ok, I wanna watch that again. They ran a cover two man!

15:00 in the third quarter: Wisconsin’s moved the ball really well actually. You put Trevor in there, and I think he can move it like that too. OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES ABOUT SIDELINE REPORTERS. NO ONE CARES, NO ONE CARES, NO ONE CARES. SHUT UP HEATHER COX. Ughhh, Braxton Miller stop clapping your hands. No one cares that you’re clapping your hands. NO ONE CARES, NO ONE CARES, NO ONE CARES.

8:59: Wisconsin’s had a ton of opportunities to make plays and they haven’t. If NU converts on those opportunities, we can be leading at halftime and then we’re winning! If we convert on those passing opportunities that Ohio State gives to us, then we don’t have to deal with that kind of stuff. If you look at Alabama, that’s not Ohio State. Alabama looks impenetrable. Ohio State has flaws, and if you can take advantage of those flaws, you can come back and win.

4:21: [Miller runs for 8 yards on first down] See, Braxton Miller just wants to keep it for himself. It’s not always the right play, but it's what he wants to do. He thinks he can get eight yards so he goes for it, but he could’ve gotten more if he wanted to. UGH THAT CLAP IS ANNOYING AS HELL. He does this whole thing where he does a wide armed clap like “ohhh, look at me I’m clapping.” Whatever. He says “go” is the thing. He’ll a clap for motion and then he does a clap for snap and says “go.” It’s so fucking dumb.

2:18: [Miller threads the needle for a tough 4-yard TD throw] Yeahhh, I don’t know how you defend that. You defended the run well, and you covered well, but he makes a throw he’s not supposed to make. Even Urban Meyer’s saying that he shouldn’t make that throw. The drummer guy in the fucking marching band is like, “how’d he make that throw?!” Yeah. He’s right.

:02: Ohio State’s doing a great job on defense. The defensive linemen are taking up their blocks, and maybe that allows a three yard gain, but that’s not gonna do it. They need five or seven on the run. It’s all the spread. And Ohio State’s doing a good job on that. But if NU's able to get five with Treyvon or Venric, then we can really start to get at them.

14:05 in the fourth quarter [Wisconsin has the ball and is driving]: If you’re able to apply the right physicality, the guys inside, they’re able to apply the physicality if they can.  But there, [OSU corner] Roby’s supposed to be this first team All-American guy, but if you give a receiver enough time with him, he’ll get a penalty. He’s defeatable. Christian Jones and Tony Jones? They’re able to defeat Roby.  [Touchdown Wisconsin] That’d be Venric Mark right there! Bounce the ball outside and OSU can’t compensate. They assume it’s a power move inside, and so there’s no one there. There’s no one outside! We get great blocking by our receivers, so I’m not too worried about the corners making tackles on our running plays.  The thing about corner is it’s probably the toughest position to play in college football. It’s tough to make those kind of decisions that quick. If they make the right decision that quick, if they make it right half the time that’s pretty good. And Roby can do that.

9:43 [Braxton fall down lolz]: Even though he fell down, he escaped the pressure. That was a slip not a fall. Not a tackle. He was able to avoid the normal pressure. Wisconshnn’s done a pretty good job of making him get out of the pocket, the problem with that is that he’s very good out of the pocket.

7:24: I mayyy have been drinking too fast. The double vision is becoming a thing. Am I good to get home? I don’t think I should ride my bike. BUI’s.

3:35: [Wisconsin drives down the field, getting back into a game they once trailed by 17, but ultimately falling short] Ohio State's playing really bad defense right now if they’re letting Wisconsin get seven yards deep without convernence. That’s. That’s bad. Bad. Bad!

Past this point everything our guest had to say was incoherent so we decided to turn off the game. Sryboutit.

The Infinite Guest

A Guide to Pretending You Understand and Enjoy Football

A Guide to Pretending You Understand and Enjoy Football

#GetFuckedAnOhioStateUniversity