A Definitive Ranking of Northwestern’s ‘Ryan’ Buildings In Order of Ryan-ness
I don’t know about you, but I have no idea why all of these buildings on Northwestern’s campus have the name ‘Ryan’ in them. Who is this mysterious Ryan and who let him put his name everywhere?!? I’ve met quite a few Ryans in my day, and some of them remind me of these buildings. With that said, I thought it’d be a good idea to rank Northwestern’s ‘Ryan’ buildings in accordance with which Ryan they were most like.
4. Ryan Center for the Musical Arts
Ryan: Ryan Caruso
Ryan Caruso was totally not about music. I mean, he was down to jam to some Green Day or Nirvana, but he thought music kids were total dweebs. He stuffed Stacey Cercleski, the saxophonist, into a locker and said that “No one would ever have sax with her.” The entire 7th grade was abuzz for a whole week. Kid was a total badass. We miss you, Ryan. This is a reminder to anyone reading that you are not supposed to drink bleach at any time. Ryan Caruso learned that the hard way.
3. Ryan Hall
Ryan: Ryan Pembrose
Ryan Pembrose was a huge nerd, so he totally fits the studious nature of Ryan Hall. Kid never had any friends in high school but I heard he got into Wesleyan. Hopefully he breaks out of his shell in college and does a little bit of coke.
2. Welsh-Ryan Arena
Ryan: Ryan Stillwater-Peters
Honestly, I got nothing here. Ryan Stillwater-Peters wasn’t very athletic, although I did once catch him under the bleachers trying to look up Rachel Ko’s skirt. I guess he kind of looked like a basketball? He had a lot of work done on his scoliosis, kinda like the arena’s getting work done? I mostly put him here because he has two names.
1. Ryan Fieldhouse
Ryan: Ryan Rogers
The legend himself.
It is said that Ryan Rogers was born with football in hand. Standing 6’ 2” at just 11 years of age, he got the starting quarterback spot for the high school varsity team when he was in 6th grade. From there, it was 7 consecutive state titles. Heavily recruited, he committed to Alabama, and was proclaimed, “the Jesus Christ of Football”. But the pressure was too much for him there, so he turned to drink. Joined a top fraternity, got hooked on booger sugar. Dropped out after sophomore year. I think he owns a 7-11 in Des Moines now. He is like Ryan Fieldhouse because he too is an empty shell desperately wishing to be filled with hopes and dreams.
Come back next week for our Top 10 List of Bisexual Cupcake Flavors!