A Comprehensive Timeline of Your Lifetime Crushes
Preschool crush: You may not have realized it at the time, but you definitely had a crush on someone at preschool. Your preschool crush was the coolest boy in the class: the one whose mom let him wear his hat backwards on their walk to school and built the biggest block towers every single day. EVERY girl wanted to play with this kid. One time, all the girls probably formed a circle with the boy in the middle, joined hands and chanted his name in what appeared to adults as some sort of kiddie-satanic ritual: Dominick, Dominick, Dom-i-nick. He ate that shit up. 3rd grade crush: Your third grade crush was the first boy you ever thought wasn’t completely gross. He was a total jock. He could strike anyone out in kickball; and although he’d never admit it, he let you win races despite obviously being faster than you and those jelly shoes you refused to ever take off. One time, he gave you a friendship bracelet and on Valentine’s day, he handed you a valentine with TWO pieces of candy taped to it. Yeah, he totally wanted it. And he could get it—until you sat down next to your best friend on the bus and noticed her bracelet was eerily similar to yours.
5th grade crush: You liked this boy because he was “different.” Whether he didn’t play sports or listened to music that only adults listened to, there was just something so alluring about him. Some of your friends thought he was weird, so you kept your crush secret for a while. One day, you decided to make a move and start emailing. You’d sit by the computer for hours just to get a response to that question about the homework you had—damn that was a good play. When he responded that he didn’t know the answer (3 hours later!!!1!) you made some jokes and then a love was born. He liked you and you liked him—but neither of you would ever admit it. You wrote in your diary that he was “so funny, but not in the gross boy way. Like, in a sophisticated, sarcastic way.” When you got your first iPod, you asked HIM for suggestions…and that was how you became obsessed with Green Day.
Middle school “boyfriend”: Oh middle school. A time of braces and lipgloss and trying to figure out why your boobs were so small. Amidst all the pre-pubescent awkwardness was something even better: pre-pubescent sexual tension. This sexual tension reached new heights at the dances thrown by student council. One day, you were awkwardly dancing on the girls’ half of the gym until one brave boy crossed the gender-divide line and asked you to dance. This is how you met Max, a friendly guy who was also sorta cute! You danced to Collide by Howie Day (you and Max’s song!) and the rest is history. You “went out” for like two years, but didn’t actually talk in person until halfway through that “relationship." You’d talk on the phone for hours, AIM without stop and have your mom drive you to the movies where you’d spend more time focusing on whether you should try to hold his hand than actually watching movie. You had your first kiss in a coat closet that all of your friends forced you in to while you were hanging out. It was so romantic. Eventually you broke up because one of you, probably him, realized that this was actually pretty stupid. The other, probably you, was heartbroken and thought they’d never love again.
High school crush: High school was a time where you really tried to “find yourself.” You weren’t like other girls at your school—you were into indie music, wrote a blog, and thought the “jocks” were a total waste of your time. Your stout individualism only had one foe—that cute guy you saw in the hallways all the time. You know the one: the type of guy who dressed like the dudes in your favorite pop-punk band and had a floppy do with great flow. You became friends with him because you believed in real relationships and not hook-ups (HA, if only you knew how college would turn out) and you and this crush may have even gone to some dances together. For a while, you were really set on turning that friendship into a relationship. You tried, embarrassed yourself, and failed miserably. Thankfully, this dude was cool and you remained friends. You had other crushes, and maybe even a few “things,” but you always found yourself thinking “what if?” The fact that you never got to even make out with this guy is a fact that will haunt you until the day you die.
College: Remember your first college hook-up? …No? Alright, that’s fair. Maybe you remember your second or third or whatever. In college, you’ve never really had a crush, per-se, because you learned your lesson in high school. What you HAVE had are repeated hook-ups with a person who you also don’t acknowledge when you see them outside of the bedroom. Feelings? HA. So immature. Who has time to put actual effort into a real relationship? You’re working on your damn career. Some nights, when your booty call doesn’t respond, you scour tinder looking for the hottest dude within a 5-mile radius that you have 0 mutual friends with. Rarely, when the conversation goes right, you might meet up with him. Most times, however, your tinder match incessantly requests boob pics and you, being the clever troll you are, send him this:
Then you realize that this all blows and ask your in-a-committed-relationship roommate for advice over a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Ah, the glory days.