A Comprehensive List of the Three (3) High School Friends You Could Take to Dillo
The quarter system is fucking you over yet again (looking at you, June 14 final) while everyone you took prom photos with is enjoying a well-earned summer break. So the question remains: which one of these state-school jackasses is going to get rip your Juul with you on the Lakefill?
Option 1: Joey
Granted, Joey was always on the fringe of your friend group. But since graduation, his time at Vassar has made him a changed man. He might have tweeted that he thinks the female orgasm is a myth but you know he would be the life of the party (at least before he passes out over the slap cup table at Delt after shotgunning a Four Loko at 9:18am).
Option 2: Christina
Fuck her, but god I love this bitch! She’s the one that explained to you in 7th grade what a dildo was, so it’s only fitting you invite her to the nation’s most phallic-sounding day of music fuckery. Just make sure to keep her away from that guy from your Econ study group because she has a habit of taking what you rightfully called dibs on. Actually, you know what? Fuck Christina. She can keep posting about her summer job at her dad’s investment banking firm instead of taking pictures with me against a brick wall and captioning them “Long time no see bestie!!!”. Fuck off.
Option 3: Luke (your ex)
Toxic, I know, but you left winter break on a pretty uncertain note (that pair of underwear might still be on his basement floor) and those drunk texts all the way from Columbus, Ohio keep pouring in… Could it be love? Could it be spring quarter horniness? Can you get to second base on the ferris wheel? We don’t know, but the molly water will probably decide for you. Sick!