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A Comprehensive List of Reasons as to Why Your Roommate is Cradling a Box of Reese’s Puffs

A Comprehensive List of Reasons as to Why Your Roommate is Cradling a Box of Reese’s Puffs

reeses 4It’s a clear, bright and blisteringly fucking cold Tuesday morning in winter quarter. In other words, everything is just how it’s supposed to be. Waking up on this delightfully freezing morning, the first thing you do is look over at your sleeping roommate – as you do every morning. Instead of lying peacefully on their side and breathing lightly from their mouth as they usually do, you notice they are instead cradling a box of Reese’s Puffs and drooling. There is only a select few reasons to explain this extreme deviation from the norm.

  1. Your roommate grew severe obsession with Reese's Puffs in the last 24 hours and will have a full-blown neurotic fit if the box is taken from their arms.
  1. Your roommate got the munchies (from drugs) and in their drug-induced stupor forgot that eating happens with the mouth and not by wrapping their arms around food and having the food permeate through their stomach folds into the stomach.
  1. Your roommate is so goddamn cold because you refuse to turn the heat up that the nerves in their brains froze. Due to the cognitive inhibition of having frozen neurons your roommate thought the box of Reese’s Puffs was a tauntaun they could crawl inside of (just as Luke did in “The Empire Strikes Back” duh) as a last ditch effort for warmth.
  1. Your roommate is horny/pathetic/lonely/sad/horny/depressed/horny enough to settle for spooning with a cardboard box of (basically) cardboard cereal.
  1. Your roommate really, really likes the color scheme of orange, orange-yellow, brown and light brown. The essence of a poopy-sunset is very calming and helps them sleep.
  1. A small elf slipped the box between their sleeping arms.
  1. There was a revolutionary worldwide mandate that everyone has to sleep with a box of Reese’s Puffs and you’re the only person on Earth who was not informed and now Jason Bourne is coming to assassinate you in the face.
  1. Your roommate is fucking with you and thinks you should stop watching them sleep all the time.
  1. It’s definitely option 8. Seriously, stop being so creepy.

 

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