8 Winter Olympic Events Northwestern Would Win
1. Die-athalon. Also known as “Inline Midterms,” the Die-athalon requires the participants to be fully willing to die in University Library over the course of a grueling five day span. The athletes must sustain themselves only on the weird ham sandwiches you can buy in those vending machines on the second floor, and are judged on how many times they click away from Netflix as they pretend to prepare for their six midterms in three classes. The Die-athalon annually claims the lives of all but one of the contestants.
2. Pairs Figure Skating. “The partners see each other now, locking eyes from nearly half a block away on Sheridan. They glide gracefully toward each other, veering side to side in near unison, almost as if they’re actually just trying to pass each other but can’t stop slipping on all this goddamn ice. They’re almost to each other now! The girl falls backwards, pretending to slip, in the utmost display of trust. The man reaches out, catching her in his arms! They spin around, papers flying! And at last they’re still, a perfect catch! 9.8’s from every judge, and gold to Northwestern!”
3. Stressing Over Internships:. NU would have the natural leg up here due to America’s capitalist system. Where Chinese students are stressing over which political figure to bribe and Russian students are stressing over which of Putin’s dicks to suck, Northwestern students are lying on their resumes and shooting over cover letters like pros. And while that sort of skill may be enough to get into the Games, it’s the year-round dedication that will bring gold to NU. For Wildcats, the hunt for the next internship begins the day you land your current gig. Forget summer internships, if you can’t squeeze a 96-hour internship into our non-existent Columbus Day weekend, then I really don’t know what you’re doing here.
4. Bitching About The Weather. In this somewhat controversial event, the athletes gather in the center of the ice rink and one by one complain about how cold the ice is. “This ice is fucking freezing” earned Ecuador a surprising silver medal in 2010. Unsurprisingly, NU has won gold in three of the last four Games by chanting “cancel school! cancel school!” until the judges give them 9’s, then bitching that the score wasn’t given fast enough until it’s upped to a 10.
5. Luge. I think Northwestern could field a really strong luge team. We should invest in this.
6. Alpine Comment Wars. One judge is placed at the top of a hill, and then skis down through a wooded area as quickly as he can. Along the way, teams hiding in the trees shout anonymous insults at the judge, and the team that’s able to make its judge shout “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE” the fastest wins. NU has had particular success by yelling “i’m just sayin’,” “typical white male,” “geed,” “freedom of speech!!!,” “I bet you went to public school,” and “you’re so ignorant, as my lengthy but incoherent paragraphs-long comment fails to prove.”
7. HAVING PLEDGE BABIES!!! Of course we’re gonna win this one, our pledge babies are the besttt!!! Oh my god, just LOOK at them!!! I’m obsessed!!!! How are they all so perfect?!?!?
8. Caring About Harry Potter. You’d think that here the Brits would have the edge, but in a shocker, Northwestern would pull out the gold medal. Our secret to success? Friends who studied abroad in London. When they return-- having taken the Harry Potter tour and everything!-- a quick debrief on the glory of Edinburgh, mixed with a few statuses about what a #nerd they are, is all that’s needed to bring the ‘Cats up to speed. Then it’s off to the races! Alohamora! Expelliarmus! Sectumsempra!