Well, it’s February 14th once again, and lo and behold, you’re Valentine-less. But don’t curl up with that pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a whole lotta misplaced emotions just yet! You don’t need to sob over your loneliness, because all of us singles can band together and know that we don’t have a Valentine this year because we are just too damn cool to be weighed down in a relationship! Don’t believe me? Just check out these top eight reasons that you don’t have a Valentine this year:
1. People Don’t Like You. That’s right, the biggest problem is your horrendous personality. Because let’s face it: if people liked you, wouldn’t you have a Valentine this year? Exactly. The hard truth is that you’re no fun to be around. You accidentally insult people, you make every situation awkward and bring nothing to the table. When you show up to a party, most people hope you can manage to just be a net zero for the night. But usually you’re a net loss. People really dislike you.
2. You’re Physically Unattractive. Look, this can’t be a surprise right? I mean, you have access to a mirror. But in case it’s unclear, let’s do a quick experiment. Picture Jennifer Aniston in your mind right now. You know what she is? Smokin’ hot. You know what she has this year? A date with her fiance. Now try it with Chris Hemsworth too. Yeah, he’s got a date with his wife. That’s because these are beautiful people who have attracted a mate. Unlike you, you human-repellant.
3. You Cheated On Me, Meghan. What, you thought we could maybe rekindle things? Like I could get over it just because I’m lonely this Valentine’s Day? Maybe I could just let it go? I’m not Queen fucking Elsa, alright? It’s not happening. He was my best friend! Meghan, you’re a vile, untrustworthy little fuck and I’m glad you’re dateless.
4. You’re Horrifically Unintelligent. We could maybe get over the first few reasons if you could make up for it with brains. Even the ugly asshole can get a date if he’s smart enough to woo properly. But not you. When judged for your intellect alone, society has correctly deemed you unworthy and decided to boycott you this Valentine’s Day.
5. That One Thing You’re REALLY Insecure About. You know, the one your friends swear no one notices or cares about? The one you think about every time you feel awkward? The one that you get actually upset if anyone jokes about? That’s why you’re single. People do care about it. Everyone notices it. Now you have to deal with it.
6. You Farted In The Dining Hall And Everyone Knew It Was You. That was fucking disgusting and it’s honestly outrageous that you’d think you could ever get a date after a display like that. You’ll be forever alone, Farty McFly.
7. You Have Zero Social Clout. In case everything else in your life hadn’t made it clear yet, this Valentine’s Day should clear up any confusion about your social standing. If you were regarded as a desirable person based on your sociability, you’d have locked down that special someone mid-January. Instead, you’re alone and rejected once again because you just don’t have much in the way of social acceptance.
8. You Pissed Your Pants Like Eight Years Ago. PEOPLE DON’T FORGET.