525,600 p-trips: A look back at Year 1 of the Shermanavian Calendar
We hear founding stories and histories almost every day – “George Washington won this battle,” “Paul Revere made that ride,” “Thomas Jefferson boinked those slaves,” etc. But today’s founding story is something much more substantial and heroic than most. So squeeze yourself into that zebra-print speedo, pour yourself a quad-shot of Jameson, and take a seat, because TODAY IS SHERMAN AVE’S FIRST BIRTHDAY! We all remember our first birthday. Actually, none of us remember our first birthday, but we’ve always just assumed that it consisted primarily of cupcakes and self-defecation. And here at Sherman Ave, we intend to celebrate our birthday in the same way. But instead of cupcakes, we have strippers, and instead of self-defecation, we have...wait, just kidding, we will definitely have self-defecation.
However, since our readers span far and wide and not all of them can come celebrate our anniversary with us, we want to celebrate with our readers by reflecting on Sherman Ave’s first year. Thus, without any further ado, I present to you: An exhaustive timeline of Sherman Ave’s history!
C. 10,000 BC: Archaeological evidence points to the first alcoholic beverages. Although it came about several millennia before any of Sherman Ave writers squirmed out of the womb, this invention would greatly motivate, inspire, and ultimately humiliate the writing staff.
July 2, 1776: The Declaration of Independence is signed, establishing America’s separation from the pretentious twattitude of the British Empire. This country would go on not only to host the birth of every Sherman Ave writer (with the exception of Señorita Margarita Puñeta Fellatiata, who was obviously born in Egypt), but the core values of free speech, free press, and free heinousness would create a fostering environment for Sherman Ave.
December 16, 2008: Morton O. Schapiro is named the 16th president of Northwestern University. At this point, little was known about the man’s past, but the whole world would soon know of Morty’s legend: his unthinkable assortment of purple attire, his supreme lordship over the Evanston City Council, and, of course, his massive, massive dong.
October 14, 2010: On this fateful evening in Evanston, Illinois, Ross Packingham and Evander Jones meet in a way that only true heroes do: Drunkenly skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan and subsequently running from the police.
January 26, 2011: Sherman Ave is founded. What began with a review of an awesome rap hit single would soon evolve into the biggest power-trip that has graced the world since Idi-Amin was in power.
February 14, 2011: Rebecca Black’s viral music video, “Friday,” is released on YouTube. While the song wouldn’t go viral for a few more weeks, its existence aided and perpetuated the kind of rampant heinousness to which Sherman Ave dedicates itself.
February 21, 2011: Professor John Michael Bailey rocks/vibrates/indefinitely turns off the Northwestern student body with a sexual demonstration involving a fucksaw. While no member of Sherman Ave has yet been fucksawed (“yet” being the operative word – President’s Day is often a gamechanger), this incident was basically a gift to Sherman Ave, and we have made a concerted effort to reference fucksaws in every article we possibly can.
March 28, 2011: Sir Edward Twattingworth III posts an article about a recent experience encountering Our Lord and Savior Morty Schapiro in Paris. This event would become something about which Sir T-Worth power-trips on an hourly basis.
July 1-3, 2011: Evander Jones, Blaise Bernard, Ross Packingham, Sir Twattingworth, Ginger LeatherDream, and their friend Jessica go to Michigan to enjoy a leisurely weekend and soulful celebration of America’s independence. What resulted from this gathering was exactly what one would expect:
- · A three hour time period spent heavily intoxicated in a 100-degree barn
- · Recreation of classic American art
- · A photograph of Ross Packingham and Evander Jones emulating Jack and Rose from “Titanic”
- · Blaise Bernard wielding a butcher’s knife and preparing dinner, despite her inability to form coherent sentences
- · Vomit
- · The emergence of the word “heinous”
August 10, 2011: Evander Jones begins the Sherman Ave Freshman Guide – a series of articles that would corrupt freshmen from all walks of life, and also (more importantly) help Sherman Ave get off the ground by appealing exclusively to an alcohol-deprived demographic.
October 25, 2011: Generation II takes its place, as Sherman Ave brings on seven new writers. Sadly, the writers did not know at that point that they were only entering a long and grueling initiation process which may or may not have included facial contact with a 14-inch gummy worm dildo.
January 24, 2012: Ross Packingham and Evander Jones submit paperwork for what many call an “apartment”; the request would probably not be processed if the landlord had even the slightest notion of what is implied by “Sherman Ave Headquarters.”
January 26, 2012: Sherman Ave turns one. Not a big deal or anything. OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING, WE’RE GOING TO BE POWER-TRIPPING RELENTLESSLY FOR ETERNITY.
Thanks for a great year, readers. We’ll continue to supply you all with articles, as long as you continue to supply us with narcissistic validation. Happy birthday!!!