5 Truths I Foresee in the 2014 MLB Season
Guys, the baseball season is a few short days from beginning. And we here at the Ave would be remiss if we didn’t give you all the predictions you need to be one step ahead of the average baseball fan this year. Considering that I have the great gift of being able to see into the future when it comes to baseball (and only baseball, actually. It’s kind of a shitty gift), I want to present to you five things that no other season preview will tell you.
After sweeping a two games series against the Diamondbacks in Sydney, Australia, Don Mattingly will realize that he left all the passports on his hotel dresser. This issue is furthered complicated when Yasiel Puig refuses to leave sunny Australia for smoggy Los Angeles. Because the team is unlikely to succeed without him, the Dodgers play their entire season in Sydney. From there, hilarity ensues. Josh Beckett finds that he is an opera lover at the Sydney Opera House, Carl Crawford defeats a kangaroo in a footrace, and Juan Uribe gets eaten by a crocodile. Eventually, this will serve as the basis for the 2036 family comedy Dodgers Down Under starring an older Zac Efron as Mattingly.
2. One player will come out as gay by the All-Star Break.
He will be a young rookie pitcher. He will put together a stellar first half posting, sporting a 2.87 ERA with 1.081 WHIP. He will become synonymous with courage directly after coming out. He will then be quickly deactivated for the rest of the season because the manager does not want to overwork his young ace and also the manager is secretly disgusted by gay people. In fact, he is member of the Westboro Baptist Church. In fact, he donates frequently to anti-homesexual groups. In fact, he goes out of his way to go to the local Chick-Fil-A even though it’s two towns over and there are perfectly good fast food options in his town just because Chick-Fil-A aligns with his views.
3. Both Chicago baseball teams will finish above .500.
It really isn’t a job as much as Bonds will sneak into the Giants’ clubhouse late one night and murder a sleeping Pablo Sandoval by suffocating him with a catcher's mitt in order to assume his identity. Things will go swimmingly until mid-August when Bonds, yet again, makes no effort to hide the fact that he takes steroids and the Giants find that that funny smell was Sandoval’s rotting corpse stuffed into several old sunflower seed buckets.
5. An extremist far-left group will band together to win the World Series.
Everyone thought the Seattle Area extremist group “The Black Action” wasn’t serious when they staged a hostile takeover of the Mariners in May. But when they hired Jim Leyland to be their manager, the media knew they were here to stay. The Black Action 9, as their squad became known as, dominated what was expected to be a strong AL West this year with their blend of small ball and pipe bombing. After burning down Fenway Park in order to protest overt capitalism that rich teams like the Red Sox support, they will be awarded the AL Pennant. They will win the World Series four games to two against the St. Louis Cardinals, and Robinson Cano, the only hold-over from the Mariners, will be awarded series MVP.