5 Pro Tips for Networking with Campus Animals

5 Pro Tips for Networking with Campus Animals

We live in an era where a college diploma is required more than ever to land a secure job but job openings are few and highly competitive. Percy from Yale is obviously going to beat you out of that consulting job because 1. He has a degree from Yale and 2. His name is fucking Percy.  When inevitably you end up unemployed and eating out of a dumpster behind a Wendy’s to sustain yourself, how will you communicate peacefully with the raccoons who threaten your way of life?  Practice these tips with the animals on campus so that you can properly network with them in the inescapable future!

1. Join the Squirrel Watching Club

You didn’t think this club actually had a purpose, did you? Well, every Wednesday at 8 p.m. in Kresge 2319 this club meets and focuses on squirrel networking strategies. They’ll occasionally have guest speakers (called ‘guest squeakers’) who the members ‘capture’ from outside and bring into the classroom. Be careful, though, as this club has had a few cases of rabies contracted from ‘guest squeakers’.

2. Experience a Skunk’s Scent

This one is easy. To understand a skunk, you must first smell like one. Simply acquire a skunk, have it spray you, and profit. Your roommate may hate you, but he’s leagues behind in networking anyways. Patrick will be working at McDonald’s again this summer because he’s not adventurous like you.

3. Intern with Sewer Rats

This spring, skip sending your resume to unfeeling corporate leaders in an attempt to desperately grovel at their feet for attention. Just hop down your nearest sewer and live with a rat colony! Learn invaluable skills like scavenging and burrowing! You can’t learn that if you work at Goldman Sachs! With experiences like these, your skillset will be unmatched.

4. Get on the Web

No, this doesn’t mean you should go online and find connections through professional websites like LinkedIn. What are you, stupid? Literally, find your nearest spider web and fling yourself into it. Assuming you stick your landing, you’ll become pals with some of nature’s craftiest creatures. Spiders literally pull stuff out of their ass, so they’ll teach you more about becoming a lawyer than your uncle will.

5. Fly with Seagulls

The Primal Scream is sooooo last quarter. Welcome to the Seaside Squawk! To network with seagulls, go to South Beach and start squawking like you’re one of nature’s biggest assholes. Maybe they’ll let you fly with them and you can shit on people’s cars! Take that, Prof. Dunbard’s Chevy Volt!

Using these tips, last year I got an internship on a farm where I slopped with pigs. Let me tell you, stripping down and bumping around naked with hogs while you slurp on vegetable leftovers in a muddy pen is an experience I would try maybe two more times! Just try not to get caught by the farmer or you’ll have a pending bestiality court case!

Unrelated, but does anyone know a good spider?  Need someone to help me out of some legal troubles. Please email me.

Happy Networking!

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