5 Places Where the Minions Can’t Hurt You
This summer, Universal Pictures and Illumination entertainment embarked on a mission to ensure that the average American could not go five fucking minutes without being faced by a team of animatronic ovals. What with their seeming omnipresence--having taken over Snapchat, Amazon, and women’s underwear--you might be wondering, “where can I still hide?” Don’t worry, America. Sherman Ave has all the answers.
- A Cold War Era Bomb Shelter
When hiding from the Minions, a good rule of thumb is that if ultra-paranoid people in the 1960s thought something would protect them from a Russian nuclear attack, then it might protect you from being bombarded by advertisements for a movie that is presumably about peanuts that come to life. Make sure you bring A LOT of water, because since the Minions’ rise to power in 2010, they have been unstoppable. All of that is to say, you might be down there for a couple years longer than expected because let’s get real… there’s gonna be a sequel.
- Under Donald Trump’s Hair
Do those things look American to you? They are coming into this country in masses and they are probably bringing drugs and crime with them, or something. You want to be protected from the Minions? Hide under Donald Trumps hair where he will wholeheartedly dismiss the Minions and any other things that confuse him while he #MakesAmericaGreatAgain.
- Walt Disney World
If the Minions so much as set foot in Walt Disney World, the park is programmed to go on lockdown until Mickey and Minnie capture their asses and bring them into the dungeon of Cinderella’s castle. Once there, a firing squad made up of Pluto, Donald Duck, and Goofy will shoot the Minions as a reminder that the only life-size carton characters welcome at Disney World are those trademarked by the Walt Disney Company.
- Inside a Blaze Pizza Box
When that stoner in your hall said that Blaze Pizza is, “God’s gift to man,” you probably didn’t realize how right he was. Not only did the folks at Blaze single-handedly redefine what size constitutes a personal pizza, but they also created a box so sacred that the Minions will not dare to approach.
- This Maximum-Security Prison
The Minions won’t dare step within feet of this maximum-security prison. With only one way in or out, they have no hope of sneaking in past the guard. The brutal cement exterior and lack of windows will ensure that as long as you are camped out inside this maximum-security prison, the Minions can’t hurt you.