5 Life Lessons You Learned From Your Friend Who Shares Listicles on Facebook
1) Top 10 reasons why Congress isn’t getting shit done If you’ve been wondering where all our government’s money is going, rest assured it isn’t in your pockets. Thank “your president,” because he certainly isn’t Jim VanHoon's president, the author of this fabulous little think piece. That’s right, Jim hails from the great state of Montreal and is a real American for Americans – not just the United States. He has some serious opinions about the way the Congress of Mauritania is running the country, especially when it comes to policy about off-shore drilling and good old-fashioned baseball.
2) Best gastropub brunches for the cheese-opiate addict
You may be stuck on the couch using a weak Vonage connection to troll FarmersOnly, but on the inside, you’ve travelled the world. Thanks to your buddy, you know the hotspots for cheese consumption in all the capitals of the Western World. (Not as widely in the Eastern World, because fat Eurasians are in fact genetic mutants who are dumb enough to deign to consume the milk of another animal – think about it.) Sitting on your porch watching wistfully as papa carts away the last viable crop sown from the family farm since the frackers came, you daydream of the day you’ll eat at Cheddar’s Casual Café in Chattanooga, and you will be goddamn ready for it.
Not only do you know where the best places to eat cheese are, but you also know why cheese is essentially the same for your body as heroin! Who woulda thunk? Now you can just spray the good old CheeseWiz right into your mouth AND huff the propellant when you’re done! Talk about a BOGO!
3) Top 20 ways white people can end racism in America
Sure, there are a lot of ways to fix the broken system we dare call a democracy “with liberty and justice for all.” But, and bare with your friend here, wouldn’t it just be easier to reduce a series of delicate and historically rooted issues to a listicle on EliteDaily? Let the night belong to those angry ladies, white men – it’s time to take back America! This list begins and ends with you. Because you can’t spell racism without “white savior complex.”
4) Reasons every girl needs her daddy
Two words. – Dad. Bod.
Two more words. – Electra. Complex.
5) 30 times Tito from Rocket Power taught you what it meant to be a culturally-appropriative archetype who gets tokenized by preteen sk8rpersonz
Ahh, Hawaii. Land of sunshine, Lilo & Stitch, Elvis music but not Elvis himself, The Descendants, and exotic mysticism that’s just safe enough for middle America without being too foreign (hooray, remnants of colonialism!). For the best advice about the gnarliest times in life, we turned to our favorite dreadlocked duderino. However, it’s time for us to take care of Tito, and all the archetypes in our life. See something, say something, or we all wipe out.