5 Delectable Dishes Any College Student Who Is White, Upper Class and Has a Father Who Pays for Everything Can Afford to Make
In the fast-paced work of university classes and conundrums, it’s easy to forego a satisfying home-made meal for dining hall affair and run-of-the-mill fast food. Even worse, the college lifestyle can put quite a hamper on your wallet. Luckily, there are plenty of easy-to-make and fun dishes that any college kid can afford, provided that they have a wealthy father and a virtually limitless allowance. Here are just a few:
We’ve told you before that kale is your best friend, but when paired with the watery crunch of a parsnip and the savory goodness of mussels, you’ll have a healthy salad that is easy and cheap, as long as your father has the disposable income that enables you to spend an absurd amount of money on ingredients at your local gourmet health food store. Add a dusting of Dutch-curdled Bleu Cheese (only $35/pound!) for a bit of extra flavor.
Duck is chicken’s more elegant (and lean!) cousin, and if the money you father makes from his job as Partner at his private equity firm can float the bill for a $150 grocery shopping run, you can easily throw together a crispy rye-encased quesadilla, accented with saccharine mango and mouth-watering melon, a perfect pair in a salsa that is a privileged and financially pampered college student’s best friend. Pro Tip: serve with lamb-milk sour cream to add to your rapidly inflating culinary snobbery.
Let’s get to some entrees now. Swordfish is the steak of the sea, and its rich texture and subtle sweetness can be accented perfectly by green plantains that you can have your father’s secretary ship in to your luxury condo right next to the gym for which you have a membership; as well as by the zest of Peruvian-Pepper sprinkled asparagus that you can easily have your live-in maid prep for you in no time flat – just make sure she doesn’t burn the stalks like she did last time.
Nothing is better suited to a college student’s lack of time, surplus of hunger, and surplus of old money from their great-grandfather, the famous New York Politician/Banker/Composer/Bootlegger than an expertly crafted Steak tartare. Sure, it may be rare – er, very rare – meat, but the combination of the moistness of the steak and the savory-ness of the (protein-rich!) quinoa is unforgettable. For a truly palette-numbing experience, pop/snort one or two of the Xanax your father called in for your “back pain”/“stress”/“wisdom tooth surgery” right before your first tasting of the quinoa.
- Cinnamon and Rhubarb Cobbler with Qatari Crème Gelato and Boysenberry Glaze, accented by an Agave-Mint Sprig
You didn’t seriously think we forgot about dessert, did you? To give your palette the cool-down it deserves; and to give your ego - groomed and molded by 18+ years of decadence, lavishness, and culinary frivolity paid for by money you, and most likely your father as well, did not earn; an ego that, even though you are finally away from home, cannot help but long for such pretention, but fortunately can be fed by thousands upon thousands of dollars shoveled like coal into the furnace that is your CitiBank trust fund, and that you spend on craft beer, foreign wines, marijuana and molly sold to you from your equally decadent, lavish, and frivolous friend, who herself purchases said drugs from her “hook-up," and also ingredients for unnecessarily fanciful and pompous dishes that no one your age has the right to be eating, let alone seeing; an ego whose insecurities from years of paternal neglect are quickly, but haphazardly, patched by such fleeting indulgences that you cling to like Odysseus to his plank amongst Charybdis, full of hubris, hopelessness, and carnal fear – the reward it deserves, end your meal with this sweet and fruity treat. Yum!