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5 African Warlords Who Would Be Really Good at Running Nightclubs

5 African Warlords Who Would Be Really Good at Running Nightclubs

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Idi Amin You can tell that guy is all about leisure, luxury, and popping bottles.

Nicknamed “The Butcher” after leading a 1971 military coup in Uganda resulting in the deaths of millions of people, Idi exemplifies what it means to take charge and get the job done. The bar needs to be restocked? Idi’s got it. Rowdy guests? Don’t worry, Idi’s army can handle it. Need to reclaim parts of Kenya and Sudan to build that outdoor pool-strip club hybrid? Idi is your man. The warlord ended up deposed and exiled to Saudi Arabia, the world’s party capital, ensuring that “Brodi” could continue using his ruthless genocidal tendencies to make sure that only the coolest people are left in the club.

General Butt Naked

Whoa, slow down there fella!  The party just started!

One of the most feared fighters in the Liberian Civil War of the 1990s, Joshua Milton Blahyi, adoringly nicknamed General Butt Naked, is one of the craziest partiers out there. He once claimed that The Devil came to him during a ritual and told him to sacrifice humans in order to reach his full warrior potential, so we know this guy is your party drug connection. But how did he earn his nickname? He would run out into battle with his soldiers only wearing shoes and high on cocaine, claiming that their nakedness would protect them from bullets. Can you say rock out with your cock out? That’s so New York City! If this guy ran a nightclub, you’d be in for one insane party.

Jean-Bedel Bokasa

Lavish king of the nightclub scene.

Living for expensive drinks, girls, and venues, Jean-Bedel would know how to run one hell of a nightclub. After taking over The Central African Republic’s government in 1966 and later The Central African Empire after a military coup, this guy took luxury to the next level. In fact, his coronation ceremony cost an estimated $20 million dollars, one-third of The Central African Republic’s annual budget, sending the African nation into bankruptcy. Fellow African dictator Mo’ Money Gaddafi commented before his death, “Craziest, most extravagant party of my life, but definitely the last time I get anally penetrated.” Did we mention that like his warlord friends, he was also trained by European countries? His tactics are so French.

Sani Abacha

His gown in Versace, but his personality is so Gucci meets human rights violations.

Corruption? Abuses? Murder? Sani Abacha screams nightclub owner. Involving himself in multiple Nigerian coups in the 1960s and onward, Sani didn’t take power of the country until 1993. When he did become President, he looted ten billion dollars from the Treasury and murdered anyone who opposed his business dealings. Business experience is an A+ quality for a nightclub owner. Abacha ended up dying of a heart attack in Dubai in 1998, where he was found with two prostitutes. Or, as we call them in America, fashion models.

Joseph Kony

Bloodshot eyes?  Must be a hangover.  Kony, you dog, you.

Ah, Joseph Kony. King of the killer social media campaign. If he posts an event online, you can be sure that you’ll know about it. Everyone attended his premier event Stop Kony in 2012, and word of mouth said his clout was insane. Hailing from Uganda, this warlord was famous for his use of child soldiers, because we all know age is just a number when it comes to partying. He notably tried to turn Uganda into a theocracy, which would make him a perfect nightclub owner. As pop singer Pink once said, “If God is a DJ, Life is a dance floor. Love is the rhythm. You are the music.” If that isn’t Kony’s motto, I don’t know what is.

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