3 Wild Sex Tips That You WON'T Believe

3 Wild Sex Tips That You WON'T Believe


frogs-259647_640 Hey all you wildcats and 'cats-to-be. I know what y'all are thinking: Dolphintail, I didn't click on your article to read a fucking introduction; I clicked because I saw the word sex, and I am driven by a dark primal instinct that I am not proud of.

So screw the intro—let's get down and dirty.

1. How to spark up an old flame

College can be a tough time for long-term relationships. Besides the stress of school, work, and conflicting schedules, it can be difficult for two partners to keep the same pace for very long at such a tumultuous time of their lives. But if you have someone you really care for, and you want to make sure it lasts forever, I've only got one thing for you: commit a murder together.

I've seen so many couples grow complacent and fail to find the time to care for each other like when they were first dating. That's why I think it's crucial that any young couple looking to be serious should commit a nice, romantic murder together. It can be a crime of passion, or revenge, or just plain whimsy. That's the fun of murder: it can be anything you want it to be! Studies have shown that couples who regularly commit 1st and 2nd degree murders together stay together longer, have fewer fights, and have better sex ;).


2. What to do when your partner's been cheating

Cheating can deal a devastating blow to any relationship, no matter how long or how serious. Betrayal hurts. But it doesn't have to be the end. If you really love your partner, you should find the strength to try and work through the problems with him, and it begins with communication.

I recommend going to your partner's residence, preferably while they're away, and finding a nice place to hide. Then, when he comes back, confront him, firmly but warmly, with a gun to the temple. Explain to him that you really need to talk some things through, and it's very important that he has a seat and not make any loud noises. Then, while you're binding his hands and feet, tell him how hurt you feel but that you're willing to forgive him if he's willing to work with you. Remember to listen as well as talk: remove the duct tape once in a while so you can hear his point of view.


Also, if you can, try to involve the “other” partner in the conversation. Many times, people don't even realize they're being used by someone cheating on their partner, so make sure to bring her in, and let both her and your partner know how much you've been hurt. To really drive the point home, consider chopping off her hands, and draping the severed hands on your partner's shoulders. If he's serious about changing his ways for you, you'll know.

3. What to do when your man can't get it “up”

Ladies, how many times have you been with a man who, for whatever reason, just wasn't “performing”? Whose soldier wasn't at attention? Whose penis was floppy and doughlike? Well don't worry, almost every man, young or old, will deal with erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives, and the causes can vary tremendously, but most likely, the problem is the fact that you're just not hot enough. That's why I always say, when a girl can't get a man hard, I say, “Girl, you gotta conjure yourself a succubus.”

Now a succubus is not like you or me. Succubi are literally built for sex—it's the definition of their existence. If your man ain't getting hard for a succubus, you got bigger problems. To spice up your night, invite the man over for a “special dinner.” When he arrives, have him wait in your room with a blindfold on, while you prepare the Forsaken Child and speak the Unspeakable Words in the kitchen. Then, when the succubus is summoned and her bloodlust is sated, bring her to your man to give him a night that he will be permanently unable to forget.

Family Dinner Debate Sparks Meaningful Action

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A Brief, Mostly Accurate History of Northwestern Football

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