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3 Ways Flu Season Can Improve Your Sex Life

3 Ways Flu Season Can Improve Your Sex Life

It’s getting chilly outside, the trees are losing their leaves, and the first snowfall is surely not too far away. And you know what that means, you little twerps. Flu season has arrived! Which is GREAT news for my sex life.

I know what you might be thinking. How can your sex life get any better, Rick Bayless’ Mistress? You’re so funny and hot and perfect! Well, sweet munchkins, there is always room for improvement. So with Thanksgiving right around the corner, I’m in a giving mood, and am here to let you in on some of my personal secrets on how that runny nose and phlegm-filled esophagus can result in some major turkey stuffin’ if you know what I mean.

1. Your Sickly, Hoarse Voice Is SOOOO Hot

There is NOTHING yummier than a raspy, hoarse voice. Lucky for you, flu szn can take care of that for you. I’ve been drinking out of strangers’ cups for months now and I finally got strep. Not sick yet? Try sneaking some half eaten southwestern eggrolls off that dirty table’s plate at Chili’s this weekend. Everyone is gonna want to butter the biscuit with a person who has that sexy, sexy voice. Who knew phlegm was such a turn-on?

2. You’re in bed over 18 hours a day

Mmmhm. You’re in bed alllll day long. Your body aches. You’re glistening with the cold sweats. Sooo hot. You’ve got the full-body chills. Just try sleeping through the night. You won’t be able to, take my word for it... ;)

3. People Constantly Touch Your Forehead

One of the first symptoms of the flu is a fever, which provides a great excuse to initiate physical contact with that special someone. Ask them to feel your forehead and check for a fever. As they press the cold backside of their hand against your sweaty forehead, start playing Touch My Body by Mariah Carey. Boom. They won’t be able to resist. Unfortunately, you’re probably so sweaty, you might slip through their grasp. But don’t give up! In flu szn we trust.




 

Unsolicited Opinion: I Should Have Been Born On Pangea

Unsolicited Opinion: I Should Have Been Born On Pangea

Judgement, Carnage, Screeching: Parrot’s Weekend is Upon Us

Judgement, Carnage, Screeching: Parrot’s Weekend is Upon Us