29 Things that will Happen at Northwestern Just After You Graduate

1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.

Opening date: June 21, 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.

3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.

4) Morty will commission a giant weather-controlled bubble to be built over campus. The bubble will power on in the winter and guarantee that every day on campus between December and March is 70 degrees and sunny.

5) The BK will be replaced by a McDonalds. This McDonalds will become the only McDonalds in the world that delivers. It will sell the McRib year-round.

6) The Keg will reopen.

7) All students will receive a free Chicago Pass, ensuring free L access for the rest of their college careers.

8) The Wildcats will make the NCAA Tournament for the first time in school history in 2015.

9) Northwestern will transition to a semester schedule. Students will have only one set of midterms per semester, and their fall/winter/spring breaks will line up with all of their friends at other schools.

10) Selena Gomez will matriculate.

11) The dozens of construction projects currently underway will be completed.

12) Crepe Bistro will return to Norris. Happy hour will be all day, erryday.

13) Beyoncé will headline Dillo Day.

14) The escalator in the library will be fixed.

15) Tisdahl will lose re-election to Bill Murray. In his first day in office, Murray will legalize marijuana and decree that all Evanston businesses are required to sell liquor.

16) It will become nationally recognized that Northwestern is located neither in Boston nor Seattle.

17) Intelligent, meaningful and productive dialogue regarding the state of race relations on campus will be possible.

18) Northwestern will enact a policy of Ivy League-style grade inflation

19) Human Sexuality will stage a triumphant return, once again being taught by John Michael Bailey.

20) Printing for all students will be free.

21) CAESAR will be replaced by a system that is user-friendly and easy to navigate. It will allow the simultaneous opening of multiple windows.

22) The University will lower tuition 5% instead of raising it.

23) The library will install hundreds of new, conveniently-placed electrical outlets. The wifi will be extremely fast and always functional.

24) PTI will be kicked off campus for hazing.

25) All townies within a two-mile radius of campus will move away, to be replaced by student-owned housing.

26) The Wildcats will win the 2015 Rose Bowl.

27) The north campus/south campus divide will be completely fixed. All student will share a healthy love for culture, the arts, natty ice, the Keg, science, fratting, and attending student-produced theater events.

28) Sargent dining hall will no longer smell like a mixture of orange peels and vomit. The food served there will be excellent as a result of the improved conditions.

29) Parking will be free to all Northwestern students. There will be enough spaces for everyone.

Luv Conquers @ll: The AIM Parlance between Two Star-Crossed 12-Year-Old Lovebirds

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