25 Things To Do At Starbucks Besides Ordering Coffee
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Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.
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Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.
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Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank. Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.
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Nap.
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Pack a lunch.
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Bring your own coffee.
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After completing #4-6, come up to the counter and ask for the Wi-Fi password.
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Take an enormous shit.
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Ingest horse tranquilizers 30 minutes before they close. Pass out.
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Ask the person at the counter to point you to the nearest Caribou Coffee.
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Bring in a heavily dog-eared copy of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Alternate between a) murmuring softly to yourself while following the text with your index finger, and b) actually LOLing.
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Attempt to spend what are clearly counterfeited “$tarbucks.”
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Pay for anything with pennies.
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Tape a single sardine in a discreet location.
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Ask someone if the empty chair across from him/her is taken. Breathe a sigh of relief when they say no, and then walk away.
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Repeat #15 the following day, but this time simply respond with a “Nice!” and go for a high five. Again, walk away.
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Buy that Fiona Apple CD. Sit down at a table with your laptop and listen to it loudly.
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During #17, cry.
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After #18, attempt to return it and explain that it “didn’t really do that much for me.”
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Ask the barista if she/he will write a letter of recommendation for you. Explain that you are applying for a barista job at Panera.
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Pretend to fall asleep and have night terrors. Or, if you actually suffer from night terrors, simply fall asleep.
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Pretend to have never heard of soy milk and have the barista explain it to you.
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Buy a single banana. Eat it at a table across the room while making direct eye contact with anyone at the counter. Leave the peel on the floor right inside the entrance. Repeat until someone says something.
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Come in wearing roller skates. Bonus points if you’ve never actually roller skated before.
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Sit down with a single sheet of paper and a pen. Write out a list of names, fictional or otherwise. Cross two off, and then leave the list on the table. Walk out.