22 Things I've Learned So Far This Winter
1. If it drops anything less than 12 inches of snow, I literally do not give a fuck. I don’t want to hear about it on the news, I don’t want 100 statuses commemorating it on facebook, it doesn’t matter. Oh it snowed 10 inches? Rad. That happened twice last week.
2. There is no point in shoveling driveways or cleaning off cars, because in 12 hours SHIT IS GOING TO BE COVERED ONCE AGAIN IN FUCKING SNOW.
3. It may be time to accept the fact that God does not care about our happiness. In fact, we may have to consider the possibility that God actively does not like us.
4. 25 degrees actually feels pretty warm. 25 degrees and sunny is borderline tropical.
5. None of us will ever know what it’s like to feel warmth ever again.
6. The City of Chicago has some kind of psychotic desire to immediately remove snow the second it falls.
7. The City of Evanston has some kind of psychotic desire to let as much snow accumulate as possible before reminding residents that they will be fined if they don’t shovel their sidewalk.
8. There is no point in trying to explain Chicago weather to residents of other so-called ‘cold’ cities. They will simply try to tell you that it is so much worse in Boston and New York. At this point, you may legally hit these people in the face without repercussions.
9. Number 8 does not mean that I want to hear about what’s happening in Minnesota. No one gives a shit about Minnesota.
10. It is possible that, at any moment, you could fall on the ice and die in a pile of freezing, soul-eating slush. It will then snow another 10 inches on your cold, lifeless body, and friends and family will not be able to locate your remains until late July, after the thaw.
11. Trying to navigate through the slush adds something like 5 minutes to my travel time when walking to campus.
12. There comes a time, somewhere around -2 degrees, where marginal drops in temperature no longer matter. It all just falls under the category of “really, really fucking cold.”
13. 20 degrees and pounding wind <<<<<< -13 degrees and no wind.
14. I can’t decide what’s worse: being hit with an icy blast of wind, or waiting to be hit with an icy blast of wind.
15. I hate when it reaches 33 degrees because all the snow melts just a little. The following night, the temperature returns to 7 degrees, causing the water to freeze the fuck solid and THE WHOLE WORLD JUST GOES TO SHIT AND THERE’S ICE EVERYWHERE AND NOW HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE MY LIFE.
16. I have been 26% more productive this quarter by simply refusing to leave the library and enter the polar vortex.
17. Evanston apparently owns a maximum of 2 snowplows. These snowplows are to be used only in the event that a bar is caught serving alcohol, and only to destroy the establishment and bury all patrons inside.
18. Dean of Students Todd Adams has a real passive-aggressive streak when it comes to emails.
19. I cannot remember the last time I saw a patch of grass.
20. If I have a class that is >15 minutes away by walking, I don’t go. I just don’t fucking go.
21. I simply don’t want to live in a world where weather like this is allowed to persist for this long. It’s simply not fucking worth it.
22. And with conditions the way they are, it will probably not hit 40 until mid-April.