Freshman Guide: Washing Your Hands
It’s winter quarter and you’re just starting to get settled into your first year at Northwestern. Congrats! There are tons of new experiences, memories, lessons, Coronavirus outbreaks, and challenges headed your way. You’ll meet all kinds of people from all walks of the world and, hey, you should pat yourself on the back for getting here. But don’t pat mine. Not before you learn some important lessons to help on your journey. If I had this guide when I was your age, well, let’s just say, I would be getting more calls back to McKinsey instead of Searle. So let’s get to it! Here’s the guide you unfortunately never knew you needed to: Washing Your Hands.
Don’t sweat it if it doesn’t come to you naturally at first. Not all of us have been prepared for life at an elite institute! Even those who seem to have it together could learn a thing or two about hygiene.
Start out slow: practice dispensing some soap. It may come out foamy, in a gel, or in little squirts. Sometimes the dispenser needs to be filled, and that’s okay. Try checking the other ones in the bathroom.
Turn on the water, and begin rubbing your hands (with the soap still on them) together. Once you get good, you will see some bubbles forming. You’ll wanna work on your lathering action!
After about 20 seconds, rinse off the soap. If any of it stays on your hand, no big deal, just use more water. I’ve been in situations where the faucet turns off automatically, so in case this happens to you, really try to press it on again.
DON’T!!!! DO NOT!!! Stick your finger in your asshole!! DO NOT STICK YOUR FINGER IN YOUR ASSHOLE.
Dry off, and give yourself a big thumbs up in the mirror.
If you stick to these steps, you’ll be miles ahead of many of the freshmen in your class. Dare I say, many upperclassmen have yet to learn how to wash their hands, too. Don’t be that person. Washing your hands is good for your immune system, for the health of those around you, and for just not being fucking disgusting. Go get ‘em!
