Please Donate to My Cause: Stop Calling Each Other by Camp Kesem Names in Public
The time has come to make a change. Maybe I’m bitter because I got rejected by Camp Kesem, but regardless, it’s simply fucked up. And I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’ve heard far too many adult men and women refer to other adults on this campus as “Moo Moo” and “Sandwich” rather than their god-given names, Andrea and Jared. Isn’t enough enough?
I was peacefully clacking away on my keyboard in Norris, sitting with my good friend Katherine, when I heard a 22-year-old man scream out, “Juicebox! It’s me, Starburst!” How do I respond to that? What are we to do when these godless names permeate the few public spaces we have left?
Is this what we are teaching the future generations of America? That we may abandon our god-given names for the sake of tomfoolery?
For those who still do not believe, or – let’s be real – are in Kesem: let me give you a scenario. What would you do, Sparkle, if your good friend, Zig Zag, dropped dead next to you? The police ask you to identify them, and you say Zig Zag, for you do not know their legal name. Then what?
If behind closed doors, in the deep corners of the third floor of Norris, these adults want to use childhood characters and finger foods as titles to self-identify, I understand.
But please do not do it in front of me.
And before anyone makes a stink, yes. Sherman Ave writers all have dumb pseudonyms we use to write anonymously. But calling people by their pseudonyms in public is COMPLETELY different.
Northwestern students near and far, I ask you to do your part to donate to make a change in your community. At the following fundraising totals, Sherman Ave pledges to personally contact Camp Kesem volunteers and negotiate the following deals:
$100 raised: We’ll ask them to stop fucking screaming “PICKLE!!!” at each other in Periodicals.
$250 raised: We will facilitate a TND about the importance of knowing your friends’ legal names.
$500 raised: We’ll ask them to promise to include people’s real names when they’re talking shit about each other when we’re around! UGH!
$1,000 raised: We’ll cordon off a permanent section of Norbucks for them to call each other Dingo and Waluigi in peace.
(We’re gonna donate the money to Camp Kesem. It’s a super important org)
