NU Rebrands as “Midwestern University” to Discourage Californians From Applying
It’s Wildcat Welcome, and you can’t wait to expand your horizons by meeting people from all over the country - the world! But, to your dismay, every other person you talk to is from California. They “love it there” and you try to relate by telling them you’ve “visited once.”
“Los Angeles,” you say, as you try to slip away. They grab your hand, throw their heads back in laughter, and scoff at you: “Oh you went to SoCal. That’s hella different. The Bay Area is dummy lit. Trust.” They attempt to explain how the fog is “a mood” when, luckily, you spot your PA’s ugly handkerchief they tied onto their backpack and make a run for it. Bless that musty bandana.
Sound familiar? That’s because Northwestern is enrolling an alarming number of students from the uppity coastal state. To combat the pressing issue, University administration decided this past Friday to rename sexy, contemporary Northwestern to corn-shucking, “ope!”-muttering Midwestern University.
When questioned about the new name, university official Janie Welsh explained the rationale for the new name. “We understand the Northwestern was indeed located in the northwest region of America in 1851, but we feel the name has been causing confusion among our applicants recently. In honor of our ongoing commitment to exclusionary policies, we want to make sure Californians never even find out about this place, much less attend.”
However, some university officials are thankful for the population from Palo Alto, CA and the surrounding Silicon Valley for ensuring Northwestern’s inclusion in the cheating scandal.
Californians account for much of the population of student groups such as The Garage and AKPsi, contributing to Northwestern’s elitist environment, an essential element for any school with hopes of making the US News Top Ten.
Nevertheless, the student body continues to echo strong support. “All they do is complain. The weather, the tacos, the vibes. It’s all better in California. Then go to Stanford,” junior Emily Katter laments. “I can’t even check Snapchat without seeing thirty pictures of leafless trees overlayed with the temperature filter. It makes snow days even worse.”
All student and university-sanctioned groups are currently panicking trying to figure out a new clever name to call themselves, because spelling “new” as “NU” will no longer suffice.
