2013-14 Final Res College Power Ranking
Ok, sure, the year is not over. But I think it is safe to say that every residential college has cemented its narrative for the school year. Also, it has been nearly two years since His Heinousness Evander Jones ranked the RCs, so it’s about time that I update you on which RC is better with this completely unscientific and subjective ranking.
As expected, the Woo-Shack (Woo-Raa) is on top of the power rankings. It’s hard to compete with a place that once housed Stephen Colbert, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, David Schwimmer, Zach Braff, Prince Giblets, Felix Jortex, and Olympic Silver Medalist Clint Taurus. With that much star power coming out of “The House That Frances Built,” there is no way to argue with Willard taking the top-spot. But to be honest, Sherman Ave was founded in a Willard dorm room (by that aforementioned bastard Evander Jones), so I really can’t put anywhere else as #1.
2. Slivka Residential College
Slivka is a low-key boss ass res college. Sure, they don’t have a cheer for their dorm, but they don’t need it. The people of Slivka have nice rooms and a beautiful building. Plus, they don’t have to walk outside when there’s a flash flood warning to go to a cafe (For real, whoever made Fran’s inaccessible from the indoors can eat a hot bowl of dicks).
I have a lot of friends in CRC. They like to do drugs and smash bottles of malt liquor outside the windows. I think this is a charming quirk of dorm life and that’s why CRC is #3 for this year. However, I can understand why this sounds like a horrible nightmare-like environment because I have stepped on so much glass.
Here’s how I decided that CCI was #4:
“Hmmmmm. Which one is CCI? Oh is it Ayers? Yeah, its Ayers. Ayers is cool. It’s pretty nice.”
5. Chapin Residential College
I once went to a “party” in Chapin. Everyone (including myself) ended up crying by the end of the night and no one wants to talk about it. But the people are nice and the rooms are big so whatever. Just don’t ever accept an invitation for a party in Chapin and expect that you won’t be crying. That’s a classic Chapin blunder.
Because of the fact that I am ignorant and refuse to learn about other RCs, I am going to stereotype the people of Jones as theater or perf studies majors that enjoy discussing musical theater. I am also not going to pretend that I don’t love musical theater so Jones gets a relatively high ranking from me. They have the potential to move up just as long as we cut the B.S and stop pretending that Rent is good.
7. Hobart Women’s Residential College
Fellow Sherman Ave editor, Lady Keystone, lived in Hobart her freshman year and she gave me the lowdown on Hobart. Apparently, there was a Porn Shrine in the basement that Lady Keystone “discovered” with “boobs and dicks all along the wall” and “a stained couch.” Although it’s not there anymore, that’s pretty fucked up and there’s no way I can place Hobart above #7. At least “there's a big, circular, flattish beanie bag that's great for hooking up on.”
Considering the ISRC and CRC are essentially the same building, you would think that they would be ranked closer together. Well, you were wrong. ISRC ranks this low because I have never smashed a Colt .45 bottle against its side. There’s things to do in ISRC especially if you like weed. I mean, I’m sure there’s more to do when you live in ISRC than smoke weed, but I’ll believe it when I see it.
You can’t be a top RC if you share a building with another residential building. I won’t stand for that. NOT NOW AND NOT EVER!
There was a guy who lived in Willard. One night, he butt-chugged some Skol, ate an entire pizza, jumped out a window, lived, ate another pizza, kicked open his friend’s door, and proceeded to shit on the floor. That guy lives in PARC now.
11. Shepard Residential College
As always, they know what they’ve done.