20 Great Ways to Ruin Thanksgiving for Everyone
Sherman Ave writers are thankful for the bad people in the world who are reading Sherman Ave on Thanksgiving. Here are some things you can do to make us proud.
1. Instagram the turkey.
2. Offer to bring a side dish. Talk up your dish a lot in the weeks leading up. Show up empty-handed. When someone asks you where the dish is, act offended that they would be so presumptuous.
3. Shake your keys while watching the football game. THE WHOLE GAME.
4. Pregame your toast.
5. When giving the toast, say that you’re thankful for your uncle’s botched knee surgery and your grandma’s blatant racism. Begin eating like nothing happened.
6. Scream like you’re in pain every time someone slices the turkey.
7. Instagram the stuffing.
8. Propose a counterargument every time a member of your family says what they’re thankful for.
9. Get up during dinner and walk over to the family member that you are least close to. Whisper something in their ear. Audibly say, “It’s okay, I don’t need an answer right away. Just think about it.” Sit back down and continue eating.
10. Periodically remind your cousin that he goes to a state school.
11. Every time someone says they’re thankful for something perfectly reasonable, respond with “check your privilege.”
12. Instagram the cranberries.
13. Enlighten everyone about the whole John Evans situation.
14. Say “I just love pumpkin pie” in the most sensual voice you can muster. Make eye contact with whoever made the pie. Hold it for uncomfortably long.
15. Instagram the pies.
16. Insist that you have a family game of Trivial Pursuit, because “Guys c’mon how often is it that we’re all together for family fun??” Be on your phone the entire time once you start playing.
17. Instagram the outdoor scenery. Caption #WhiteThanksgiving regardless of whether or not there is snow. (Bonus points if there are Caucasians in the picture).
18. Play Christmas music.
19. Play Wrecking Ball out loud and gently weep as you mouth the words.
20. Instagram some fucking leaves.