Sherman Ave’s Slammin’ Summer Movie Round Up
It’s getting to be that time of year, folks. The season when the rising heat turns your nether regions into an Everglade-grade swampland, and everything outside starts to smell like either hot blacktop or spoiled garbage. However, this being America--the greatest goddamn country on earth--there’s plenty of ways to escape the coming waves of sweltering summer weather. If you’re a big, tall hunk with a big hunky body, you could head to the beach for a tan and a swim, or perhaps the local pool if you prefer soaking in human pee as opposed to fish pee. If you’re one of the rare college students who “has their shit together,” you could go to your job and get paid, but let’s be honest, if you’re reading this specific article on this specific website, you either don’t have a summer job or you’re not getting paid for it.
But for the rest of us sunlight-averse trolls, there’s only one tried-and-true option outside of just staying home and jerkin’ it, and that’s the movies: that last great bastion of American artistry. Who doesn’t love sinking down into a cushioned AMC theater seat, Mr. Pibb in hand, and letting a cool wave of central air wash over as the lights dim and—wait, what--45 fucking trailers play before the actual movie starts? Seriously, fuck that shit.
Anyways, here’s a rundown of some of the most hyped releases for summer 2014, wherein I analyze what looks good and what to skip in the most objective, factually accurate, and thoroughly detailed way possible:
The Fault in Our Stars
Release date: June 6
Directed by: I don’t know, some turkey
Synopsis: Two kids get cancer and probably die. Definitely bump uglies to some twee indie music beforehand. Based on that book your 12-year-old sister is always crying about.
Yay or Nay: I go to movies for explosions and to get hard-ons, not to see bunch of angel-faced teenagers become riddled with awful diseases. Strong nay.
22 Jump Street
Release date: June 13
Directed by: Phil Lord and Chris Miller
Synopsis: Same cast, plot, and directors as the first one. This time it takes place at a college instead of a high school.
Yay or Nay: Lord and Miller’s The LEGO Movie is honest to God the best wide release studio comedy since—well, since their take on 21 Jump Street. So while the trailer for this sequel looks like a bit of lazy rehash, early buzz and the sheer talent of the directors have me psyched. Lukewarm yay.
Transformers 4: Age of Extinction
Release date: June 27
Director: Michael Bay
Synopsis: Pew! Pew! Pew! Robots! Robot dinosaurs! Regular robots riding robot dinosaurs! Real dinosaurs riding regular robots! Mahk Fackin’ Wahlberg! Causal racism! Misogyny!
Yay or Nay: Despite my aforementioned proclivity for explosions and rockin’ hard-ons, this one is a strong nay, because these Transformers movies are fucking stupid and they’re made for stupid people. Sorry, TJ Miller.
Rise of the Dawn of the Return to the Planet of the Apes
Release date: July 11
Director: I don’t know, Google it
Synopsis: After the world is overrun by tribes of hyper-intelligent talking apes, it’s up to Gary Oldman and a bunch of other overqualified actors to put the kibosh down on all of this monkeying around.
Yay or Nay: Despite an unwieldy title, the first film in the new Apes franchise was actually pretty good, despite a lifeless performances from James Franco and the presence of that bitch-face Malfoy kid. Seriously though, that battle scene on the Golden Gate Bridge in the first one is totally rad. Giving this a yay.
Release date: July 25
Director: Noted homophobe and masturbator Brett Ratner
Synopsis: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays a half-nude greasy hunk who battles some big ol’ CGI critters. Lots of homoerotic imagery, even though dude-bros will tell you the movie is “totally not gay, brah” and great entertainment if you “ignore the plot and just enjoy the action.”
Yay or Nay: Go fuck yourself, Brett Ratner.
Guardians of the Galaxy
Release date: August 1
Director: James “Jimmy Guns” Gunn
Synopsis: Strong yay. If there’s one movie that deserves your money this summer, it’s undoubtedly this one.
Yay or Nay: See above.