16 Things Lorde Hasn’t Done

Yeah, this bitch counts her dollars on the train to the party. She’s sixteen. You’re twentysomething. She has a chart-topping single, gorgeous hair, and more maturity than every MILF on Pornhub combined. You have a hangover. Congrats.

In the event you have to fight to the death in a round of NeverHaveIEver To make you feel better, here’s 16 things Lorde hasn’t done.

Get your life together, you piece of shit.

1) Seen a diamond in the flesh.

2) Been born with a name that doesn’t give the OB/GYN carpal tunnel. What’s that, “Ella Maria Lani Yelich O’Connor”?

3) Been ugly. Fuck you, Lorde. Fuck you.

4) Been of legal drinking age – wait, goddamn it, New Zealand.

5) Fine, she’s never been of legal purchasing age.

6) Twerked on Robin Thicke. See, Miley’s cornered the market there.  How does it feel to be outdone, Lorde?

7) Passed Organic Chemistry. Cause she’s not even in college. Silly little high schooler.

8) Engaged in a musical battle with Eminem for the number-one spot on the – UGH JUST KIDDING.

9)  Watched the Lizzie McGuire Movie on VHS while playing with Furby and Gigapet. Poor Lorde, you’re not a 90’s kid!

10)  Negotiated a hostage crisis. Pretty sure she’s never done that, right?

11)  Streaked naked across Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

12)  Published the Great American Novel. Or even the Great New Zealander Novel.

13)  Tickled Zach Galifianakis in his bed, as the camera cuts between his faux-ballet under a bridge and head-banging in the car.

14)  Simply walked into Mordor.

15)  Ran a four-minute mile.

16)  Fixed the budget crisis.

There. We all feel better now.

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