11 Things I'd Do For a Klondike Bar

11 Things I'd Do For a Klondike Bar


I don’t know about you, but I freaking love Klondike Bars®. They are my morning, noon, and night. A frosty cold Klondike Bar® is the wind beneath my wings, taking me higher and higher on a path to glorious ecstasy.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, muscles tensed and a warm dribbling feeling running down my inner thigh, the fleeting image of a Klondike Oreo Cookies & Cream Bar® racing through my mind faster than an actor in Michael Jackson’s leather jacket can detail the rapturous exaltation that results from indulging myself in artificially flavored vanilla ice cream with OREO® cookie pieces coated in milk chocolate flavored coating and OREO® cookie pieces.

But it’s only when I hear about the artificial flavor added that I enter a state of frenzied delirium so wild and rhapsodic I can’t even remember my own name as a surge of profound ebullience courses through my veins down to my frothing loins. Sinking my lusting teeth into the cold creamy inner felicity underneath the hardened shell of moistened chocolatey goodness transports me into a metaphysical state where I can commune with no one else but God, The Buddha, and Phil Jackson.

No pansy-ass Dove Bar or Häagen-Dazs’ Frozen-Facial-Cream-on-a-Stick can satisfy my animalistic wantonness for that thin layer of chocolate and lascivious ice cream delight.  And don’t even get me started on the things I’ll do with my mouth to your sister, Choco Taco.

So yeah, I love an Original Klondike Bar® like Bloomberg loves stopping and frisking minorities. But while Bloomberg can’t last forever, my love for your refreshing goodness is forever baby. As an ode to you, in all your icy perfection, here are the following 13 number of things I would do for a Klondike Bar®:

1. Add Carlos Danger on Snapchat

2. Visit Cleveland, Ohio

3. Visit Stone Mountain wearing nothing but an American flag thong and a tattoo of General Sherman while blasting KC and the Sunshine Band’s smash hit “That’s the Way (I like it).

4. Date, and then cruelly break up with, Taylor Swift

5. Attend a Kid Rock show

6. Drink a fifth of Orange-flavored Burnett’s with the fine members of Ohio State’s Chi Psi chapter

7. Go quail hunting with Dick Cheney

8. Enter a time machine for the express purpose of Kublai Khan, only to find out that I’ve set off a treacherous chain of events that leaves ⅙ of all humans living in the present day with biological ties to Calvin Coolidge.

9. Repeat 6th Grade

10. Mud wrestle Chris Christie in a winner-take-all match for one (1) Original Klondike Bar®

11. Sell myself and my blog out for the cash equivalent of approximately 188 cans of Busch Light

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