12 Fun, Quirky Ways To Tell Your Partner You’re About To Cum On Their Face
Need to spice it up in bed? Still slobbering the phrase “eeeeeuuuuhhhggg I’m gonna cum” into your bedtime friend’s ear? Sick and tired of using the same techniques your grandpa used in Vietnam? Or worse: you’ve completely run out of ways to announce the imminent approach of your ejaculate? Ugh! Boo-ring! Snoozeville! Nerd alert! You’ll never be comfortable in your own skin! Three weeks ago my boyfriend splooshed in my ear without warning and I’m only just getting my hearing back. I mean, thankfully my left iPhone earbud was already broken so it didn’t affect my Megan Trainor jam sesh on the way to work. But still, it was a bit of an ordeal. It’s a problem we’ve all run into, and it’s always a sticky situation – but it really got my creative juices flowing. I may have spent $7,000 on an otolaryngologist, but I came up with some really life-changing ideas.
Heck, we all know that ‘Cum Surprises’ sounds like the worst item on a menu – but a girl’s gotta eat, right? Well, now you can do it in SoHo brunch style. Show this list to your partner, or try one yourself. It-Girl status, here you cum!
Here’s 12 things to say to your lady, man, or person whose orifice you’re about to ejaculate into:
- (Make sure you’re carrying an axe!) Tiiiiimbeeerrrrr!!
- Christ our lord and savior died for our sins!
- (In a low and sultry whisper) Peek-a-boo!
- David Schwimmer peaked too early!
- (Into the crisp, salty air) Thar she blows, matey!
- Oh yeah spark that bong, Daddy-o!
- Ay Caramba!
- Hold onto your butts!
- Purina Fancy Feast!
- Follow me on Instagram!
- Fire in the hole, biyatch!