12 Campus Safety Tips Everyone Should Know
You know what’s worse than getting blindsided by a midterm you thought would be easy? Getting blindsided in real life by a total stranger. Evanston likes to act sweet and innocent, but if you look below the surface, you’ll see the truth. Those cops parked outside of that off-campus banger aren’t there to protect teens from those dudes free-basing cocaine inside. They’re protecting you from bad guys. “Bad guys” is a non-gendered term used to describe people who emerge from the shadows to steal your iPhone and debit card. Here are some helpful tips that can help make campus safer for you:
- Dress in gang-affiliated clothing to appear dangerous and intimidating.
- Hold your keys in a fist and jingle them to distract the bad guy and remind them that they're gonna be parking your car one day.
- When walking home late at night, be sure to wear boxing gloves and trunks.
- The library is a good place to avoid bad guys because they hate reading.
- If you can’t find a safe place, sprint from emergency blue light to emergency blue light.
- Some bad guys will bump into you in public spaces to try to spread potentially harmful germs.
- Avoid making friends as all acquaintances are potential threats and should be perceived as such.
- Order a pizza to your final destination so you’ll at least have pizza if you get mugged.
- Learn some form of street performance to demonstrate your creative value to any bad guys.
- Wear big headphones with loud music to pump yourself up for any potential altercations.
- Keep your phone in hand so you can be better prepared to video record any potential ass-whooping.
- To help make campus safer for your fellow Cats, set booby traps that only Northwestern students would be able to solve as you walk home.
That’s it. This is all you can do. Otherwise you’re at the mercy of the bad guys. Sorry.