13 Strangers We Ranked On A Scale of 1-5 In the Spirit of Sorority Recruitment
It’s the most wonderful time of the year again and you know what that means- when the “women” of PHA aren’t painting their nails between thinking (or not thinking) about the implications of systematically judging strangers- they’re systematically judging strangers. Sherman Ave felt left out, so we’ve decided to take a crack at making snap judgments on people we’ve never met before.
Don’t agree with us? Too bad, it’s impossible for all of us to meet all of these people so you’ll probably just have to take our word for it.
1) The Weatherman on the News This Morning: 5
It’s going to be sunny today. So nice of him. 5.
2) Barista In Starbucks: 1
Just, like, rubbed us the wrong way, ya know?
3) That Kid Talking to Sam: 4
We like Sam a lot and they were talking so he has to be cool, right? If Sam’s alright Evan’s alright, right?
4) You. The Reader. 5.
If you’re still with us, we like you.
5) Our Checkout Clerk at Trader Joe's Today: 3
He didn't ask us how our day was and looked like he could lose 5 pounds, but he wasn't outright rude or anything. He also wasn't balding but didn't have a great haircut either. 3.
6) Bono: 4
His sunglasses are cool, and he talks differently than we do. He cares about the environment and was named Time person of the year in 2005. He doesn’t need a last name. His wife would just be called Mrs. Bono. However, nobody fucks with our iTunes, Bono. Nobody. Boundaries, Bono. 4.
7) Daffy Duck: 5
According to Wikipedia, “Daffy established his status by jumping into the water, hopping around, and yelling, "Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Woo-hoo!" Obviously 5.
8) Lea Michele: 3
She’s talented but she seems high maintenance. Don’t you think she seems high maintenance?
9) Darth Sidious: 1
Darth Sidious killed his master which on our scale automatically gives you a zero. However, he also owns a lightsaber which on our scale automatically gives you one point. So Darth Sidious gets a 1.
10) Matilda of Flanders: 4
Matilda of Flanders, born in 1031, was the wife of William the Conqueror and consequently the Queen of England. She bore her husband “9 or 10 children” which, in those days, was like giving birth to 9 or 10 children. 4.
11) Lorde: 3
Royals is a good song. End of list. 3.
12) The Lord: ?
This is pretty complex. How can you rate The Lord on a scale of 1-5? We don’t have enough information. In theory he would have made the scale possible in the first place so how can we use his own scale on him? WHich Lord are we talking about? The Old Testament, the New Testament, Actually, how can we rate anyone on a scale of 1-5? This is ridiculous, how do people do this why is this even-
13) That Pretty Girl Tagged In All The Photos with Your Ex: 0